Peeping on the Mind

I’ve recently had this desire to watch my girlfriend have sex with another guy. We have great sex but I feel like it would be exciting watching someone give her an orgasm. I think she might be open to trying it. Is this normal to want to watch this happen? I don’t know if other people have felt this way.
—Audience Member

I really don’t like using the word normal because the idea of normal is so subjective. When we use it we often end up labelling someone’s ideas or actions as right or wrong, but when it comes to sex, as long as everyone is a consenting adult, then normal is whatever you want it to be.

Many people do actually fantasize about watching their partner have sex with someone else.

You say that it would be exciting to watch someone give your girlfriend an orgasm and that’s often what this fantasy is about—wanting to see your partner being pleasured and being at enough of a distance to actually watch them experience it.

Fantasizing about this and even doing it is perfectly fine, if everyone involved wants it.

So, we’ve established that there’s nothing wrong with what you want, but aside from that, there are two things that I think are really important in your situation.

The first is that you need to make sure that you’re separating fantasy from reality. While fantasies are awesome, and acting them out can be great, many people forget that not every fantasy is something they actually want to happen. Sometimes fantasies can even cause real damage if acted out.

This could be one you do actually want to happen, but it’s important to be sure, especially when it involves a partner that you’re actually romantically involved with and really care for. You might not expect it, but your partner actually having sex with someone else might feel different from the fantasy, so you need to be prepared for that.

The second thing is that your girlfriend may not share this fantasy. This doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t talk to her about it to see if she’s into it, it just means you need to approach that conversation ready for anything and prepared to be respectful of her choice.

I’m not saying this because I don’t think you would understand if she said no, but because people sometimes agree to things their partners want since they just want them to be happy. That can be fine in certain situations, but with sex it can cause discomfort and resentment between the two of you.

Given that your fantasy involves her getting off, you probably want to know that it’s something she really wants anyway.

So when you do talk, don’t just listen, but pay attention to her non-verbal communication as well. Have a long conversation, maybe even several, so that if you both agree, you’ll feel certain that no one was reluctantly convinced.

If you’re not sure how to bring it up, you can try starting a conversation about turn-ons and fantasies you each have. This opens the door for you, while giving her the chance to share things she might want to try out.

You might find that you share some fantasies, or even find alternatives to the ones you don’t, like maybe fantasizing together. Either way, you’ll have started a dialogue that will help you be more open with each other, which will only make conversations like this easier in the future.

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