Committing To Your Sexuality

Is there anything that you regularly see in people that is impeding them from more fully enjoying their sexuality?
—Would-be Bedroom Pioneer

There are many things I see impeding people, myself included. I’ll focus on one thing that has been on my mind recently: a lack of commitment to learning about and exploring one’s sexuality.

I’ve been thinking about this because one of the most common things people tend to ask me is how I know so much about sex.

The simple answer is that I’ve made a commitment to reading and exposing myself to a variety of perspectives and resources in order to better understand my own sexuality and to help others do the same.

I’m drawn to material that presents views or ideas I’m unfamiliar with and this has led me to the voices that have most informed and shaped my views on sex.

Making this sort of commitment can be difficult for some people, but in order to grow you need to first be learning something to grow from.

There are two major hurdles to making this commitment to learning: being unwilling to make the effort or being embarrassed to.

Many people seem to want to acquire all the knowledge while expending the least effort possible.

When I’m asked questions about sex and relationships, or to recommend specific books or articles related to what someone is facing, they often respond with “can you just tell me the gist of it?” as though I could do a decade of relationship research justice or tell them everything about every birth control method in a five-minute conversation.

If an issue you’re facing is important to you, then it’s probably worth investing some time into it.

Often, the people we assume are naturally gifted and knowledgeable when it comes to sex and relationships have just invested more time into learning about and improving those areas of their lives.

It really comes down to how much effort you’re willing to put into your desired outcomes, and an unwillingness to even consider reading a book says a lot.

If your hurdle to learning is embarrassment, try breaking out of the idea that seeking knowledge on any topic is embarrassing.

I admit, I haven’t yet mastered this myself. I’m not above shying away from reading certain books in public or blushing when someone sees my search history.

The last two books I read, despite being brilliant and life-changing, never left my home simply due to their titles—“Vagina” (Naomi Wolf) and “What Makes Love Last?” (John Gottman).*

Still, I think it’s important to seek and create strategies to learn about the topics that matter to you, whether it’s by reading them in spaces where you feel safe and comfortable or by working towards owning the discomfort.

Some people will say they can’t make this commitment to learning because they don’t have the time. Between school and working, I know it can be difficult to find time for anything else.

However, if you’re like most people, sex and relationships are a pretty key component of your life, so it’s worth reflecting on why you might not invest time despite wishing these areas would change.

People tend to neglect putting time into maintenance and only look into how to make improvements once they are already struggling, which is often when it’s most difficult to do so.

Putting some time in before then will likely result in less time spent on issues at a later date.

There are small ways to start doing this if you’re not sure where to start.

You can search online for articles on topics you’re curious about and look into other work by the authors. Look into sexuality workshops and events happening in the city**, or even just engage in conversations on these topics with people in your life to gain different perspectives.

If you’re not sure where to start, articles on sexuality and relationships are also regularly shared on the Sex & Pancakes Facebook group so you can head over there and start exploring.

-Melissa Fuller @mel_full

For more, like “Sex & Pancakes” on Facebook and check out

*I highly recommend these books if either topic interests you!

**Le Salon de l’Amour et de la Séduction is an event worth checking out Jan. 16-18th at Place Bonaventure:

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