Talking Trash: Tom Brady is a Black Man

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Graphic Myriam Ouazzani

This is a satire piece.

In 2019, Chad Johnson confirmed what we all suspected: Tom Brady is undoubtedly a Black man.

On Feb. 1st 2022, the NFL quarterback announced his retirement, shaking the world and sports media. Six weeks later, the seven-time Super Bowl champion would reverse his decision (this was mainly due to the fact that he was flat broke) and return.

After a disappointing season with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Brady retired on Feb. 1 2023, exactly one year after his first retirement.

One might say that it is a simple coincidence that Brady retired on the same day as last year. But I ought to stop you and ask: why do it on the first day of Black History Month? The answer is simple: activism. 

Brady clearly meant to denounce the harmful practices of the NFL, by reminding us of all of the racial inequality that has yet to be addressed by the predominantly white body that makes up the league’s office. But because he is a Black man, his plea for chance fell on deaf ears, not dissimilar to Colin Kaepernick's

Another example of Brady’s activism is his statement on Janet Jackson. Here is yet another Black man whose words are being taken out of context. He clearly meant to say that Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction was another opportunity to denounce the shortcomings of the NFL. He merely used the spotlight of Black History Month to highlight a fellow sista’s heroism; yet another example of his own. He has not done this once, but TWICE, making him a hero of the people.

Is Mr. Brady, the greatest Black quarterback to ever sling pig-skin? Arguably. A white man certainly would never choose winning seven Super Bowls over his family. What more proof do you need?

We know that race is a construct anyway but let’s be real, no white man would be able to holler at Chris Tucker, or tell Charles Barkley to “take a suck on that” the way Brady has. I say Tom Brady is a Black man, fight me.

This article originally appeared in Volume 43, Issue 13, published March 7, 2023.