Sex & Pancakes

Special IssueMelissa Fuller — Published March 29, 2011

DISCLAIMER: All of this content is false. None of it is real. It’s meant to amuse and have a good laugh on what was an overly serious year at this university. If you get mad or for one fleeting moment think that any of this is real, please put this newspaper down and walk away. Seriously. Thank you.


Dear Melissa,

I recently adopted a pair of turtles, Jack and Jill, in hopes of having baby turtles by spring. But I’ve noticed that they won’t mate. I don’t think it’s a lack of interest on Jack’s part because I often see him mounting Jill, but she always slumps away. REALLY slowly. What could this mean? How can I help Jack get laid?

I’m so glad you asked this question because it’s been coming up more and more in discussions I have with friends. Too many people don’t know about the difficulties that turtles face when sexually active. Jack is the perfect example of this.

There could be a number of reasons why Jill is avoiding sex with Jack, so I’ll touch on a few of them and you’ll probably know which direction to go in.

First of all, turtles have HUGE penises. Seriously. Go Google “Turtle Penis” and you’ll see what I mean, and maybe begin to understand why Jill is so terrified. No seriously, go Google it right now.
Now, delete your search history.

Secondly, do you know anything about her and Jack’s history? Have they been together for a while or is this a new relationship? Maybe Jill isn’t really ready to be sexually active with Jack just yet. It is a big step and she shouldn’t have to take it before she’s ready.

You should also try to determine if Jack and Jill are, in fact, related. There’s no real way to determine this, but I just wanted to gross you out a little.

Becoming a mother is also a pretty big deal. Jill may be choosing to abstain because there isn’t currently an FDA approved birth control method for turtles and she doesn’t want kids right now. I do also question if you’d even allow her to use it. Judging by your question, it doesn’t sound like you’ve really talked with Jill about how she feels about motherhood.

You seem a lot more concerned with having baby turtles, which doesn’t make you sound like the most responsible and caring pet owner.

You should also really consider Jill’s sexual history. This is really important because she may have a history of sexual abuse, or she may even be a virgin, either of which would explain why she doesn’t appreciate it when Jack mounts her. This could be bringing back some horrible memories for her or she could just be really scary of his huge penis.

Finally, what makes you so sure that Jill is into guys? It’s a widely known fact that 42.6 per cent of turtles don’t identify as straight, and 21.2 per cent will never come out to their owners.

Finally, have you ever considered that maybe Jill just doesn’t wanna have sex in a glass bowl while you watch?

This article originally appeared in Volume 31, Issue 28, published March 29, 2011.