Satire: Tax Hikes Force Montreal’s Wealthy to Forgo Artisanal Cappuccinos

When Will the Assault on the Upper Class End?

OpinionsJérémie Gauthier-Caron — Published February 16, 2018

“I read in The Gazette that the average increase would be around $120 per year. With the upcoming raise of the minimum wage to $12 and that new Tesla I have yet to pay, I really don’t know how I’ll keep my business open […] I guess I’ll have to forget my daily Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino,” Gerald Smith, owner of Smith&Co told The Link.

42 Cents

At the Association de defense de la petite bourgeoisie de Montreal, the fight is just getting started.

“This hike amounts to 42 pennies a day. We’re receiving a lot of desperate messages from our members, they’re complaining that they now have to opt for Timmies instead of going to their usual artisanal cold brew joint. It’s harrowing for them, having to wait in line with poor people really is below their status,” said Sandra Stern, CEO of ADPB.

“We’re going to fight back, we’re already suggesting that our members stop listening to advice from their millennial children. I had one lawyer who asked me if she should really eat noodle cups like her son suggested,” she continued.

At the Artisanal Cold Brew Joint, corner of Laurier West and Querbes Ave, the effects of the hikes are already being felt. Under the glow of the steampunk copper pipe Edisson bulbs lamp, owner Christian Thibault stops barking orders at the baristas for a moment to tell his story:

“We used to have accountants, doctors and venture capitalists come by every morning to get their caffeine fix. Now I see them walk by with a cup from Timmies,” he said. “It’s understandable, our clients can save 50 cents if they go there instead of ordering our Americanos. I’m not mad at them. Times are tough, we all have to adapt. I’m really inspired by the Horton-Joyce couple in Ontario. I’m going on vacation in Florida next week, my lawyer will send a letter to my employees to explain that we can’t pay their breaks anymore. It’s not my fault if they voted Projet Montreal.”

Only time will tell if Montreal’s Petite Bourgeoisie will survive this assault on their livelihood, but one thing’s for sure: this moment marks the end of the Plante honeymoon.