SATIRE: Finding friends on OnlyFans

How’s this for an icebreaker? Students talk turn-ons and toys over OnlyFans.

  • Graphic Florent Aniorte

Gags, G-spots, and grades aren’t usually associated with a student’s learning environment, but this semester things are different.

COVID-19 displaced many students from their homes and dormitories when all Concordia residences closed indefinitely in March. Most classes will be taught virtually, which leaves many incoming students wondering how they will make connections this fall.

However, some innovative students have come up with an idea to keep socializing: using OnlyFans, an online subscription service that provides racy media content to fans who pay the models themselves.

One of these students is Cam Guirrel, a transfer student from the University of Ottawa. She decided to transfer after Prime Minister Justin Trudeau allegedly moved into a closet and began to leave neverending trails of shit around the university hallways.

“I think sex is a really big part of the first-year university student’s culture, and not being able to bang in the showers at residence really takes away from that” — Richard Pix

Guirrel was excited for student life. However, she had to reassess her plans when in-person classes were cancelled. She knew she had to get creative to make friends at her new university.

Guirrel started by joining the New Concordians 2020-2021 Facebook group. But in the mix of the hundreds of white girl introductory posts, Guirrel wanted her own to stand out. She posted:

“Hiiiii, my name is Cam Guirrel, I’m 19, I’m from Ottawa, and I’m going to be majoring in studio arts!!! My hobbies are TikTok, modelling, and hanging out with friends. My zodiac is a Capricorn rising, Libra sun, and Cancer moon, and my blood type is O negative, so you guys know I’m a good time. I do have Instagram and Snapchat, but you’re gonna have to be clever or cool enough to find it uwu, so instead I’m gonna post my OnlyFans instead!”

Over a Facetime call, Guirrel explained “Putting my Instagram or Snapchat in the post would’ve just put me in a sea of faces. I’m at Concordia, so obviously I’m a main character, and people need to know that and remember me because of that.”

“I also didn’t want to keep giving money to corporations like Facebook and Snapchat,” she continued, “so I decided to make an OnlyFans account.”
Guirrel promoted her OnlyFans in the Facebook group, where a number of other students have both subscribed to Guirrel’s account and also made their own. Guirrel currently has 13,600 followers.

One of these followers is Richard Pix, an incoming psychology major from Kingston, Ontario. After seeing Guirrel’s Facebook post, he immediately made an account on the site.

According to Pix, OnlyFans allows for many cultural aspects of university to survive the closure of residences, classrooms, and clubs.

“I think sex is a really big part of the first-year university student’s culture, and not being able to bang in the showers at residence really takes away from that,” he said. “However, OnlyFans allows for both a hook-up culture and some social hierarchy to form.”

Pix also enjoys the content of the service itself. “The babes are hot,” he said, “and the money’s going directly to them. I’ve subscribed to, like, six.”

Self-described OnlyFans regular Hugh Jerker is an incoming first-year student who will study management at the John Molson School of Business. However, despite his rousing feelings towards OnlyFans, Jerker does not appear to be very keen on other students using the media platform.

A man of few words, Jerker criticised other students’ OnlyFans accounts while allegedly getting a really tricky condiment out of its container. “Bad…bad…bad…” he said. “Oooh, they’re bad. Don’t…come…”

A few minutes later, some mayonnaise spilled onto his camera.

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