Pumpkin Spice Clatter

  • Graphic by Joshua Barkman

Starbucks’ seasonal Pumpkin Spice Latte cannot possibly live up to its market hype, and I want you to stop talking about it right now.

The annual seasonal binging has become so popularized that a shortage of the syrup in some American Starbucks franchises elicited a social media outcry, leading to international news coverage.

Deep breath, y’all.

Now, Starbucks is riding that horse hard. They’re coming out with Pumpkin Spice Latte ice cream, a Pumpkin Spice Latte Facebook group and a Pumpkin Spice Latte Challenge Facebook page.

I considered having my own Pumpkin Spice Latte for the sake of journalistic rigour, but decided against it when my friend (who actually likes Pumpkin Spice Lattes, by the way) described it as “the filling from a pumpkin pie, mixed with maple syrup, with coffee poured over it.”

Pumpkin Spice Lattes are essentially liquefied cupcake. It has about as much culinary flair as flat soda.

If you’re going to have a Pumpkin Spice Latte, why not try a pastry from a nice local bakery instead? Discover something local; broaden your sugar-fix horizons. At least there would be different textures and some sort of aesthetic consideration along with the carbs.

Pumpkin Spice Lattes are just bad for you. A venti size has 10 grams of saturated fat in it! That much crap loaded into a nifty little gulpable package? And yet, through marketing, it has somehow been elevated to cult status.

The only good thing about Pumpkin Spice Latte is that it allowed me to up the word count on this article in no time. Also, try saying “Pumpkin Spice Latte” five times, fast. What a mess.

– Vivien Leung

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