Roll Out!

Graphic Caity Hall

My friends, it’s time to keep that toonie “rrrolling”: Tim Horton’s Roll Up the Rim is back—and that means it’s time to get down to business.

By business, I mean of course cheating the system. Let me be your guide to winning big (or for liability purposes, not so much) under the rim.

First things first, you need to accept that you need more caffeine in your system. If your fingers don’t shake like Billy Costigan from The Departed, you’re not trying hard enough.

If you’re looking to win big, you’ve got to go big. Multiple polls and pseudo-studies have confirmed larger cup sizes win more often, but the best odds are found in the large cups, not extra-large. You improve your odds of winning by a whole two per cent. That’s right, a whole two per cent. That’s like a Charlie Sheen percentage of winning.

Now, Tim Horton was a fantastic hockey player, but he was also a Toronto Maple Leaf. I guess he was so spiteful that the company he gave his name to must continue the grand old tradition of skipping over Quebec like a left over pot of coffee.

My most important recommendation: move to Ontario. Seriously, Quebec has a quarter of the Canadian population but only one of the 10 grand prizes.

Again, francophones get the shaft. Drink up, my friends, and take these words to heart.

—Andrew Brennan, News editor