High Number of UFO Sightings Confirms ‘Age of Apocalypse’

Aliens Have Been Teasing Us with Thousands of Appearances Per Year

Special IssueBacon Ham — Published April 1, 2014

According to Ufology Research of Manitoba’s Canadian UFO Survey, 2013 was the year with the second highest number of UFO sightings in Canada. The year prior saw about 2,000, but that may be due to the Mayan Calendar scare, says Ufology Research of Manitoba spokesperson Chris Rutkowski.

Raelian Clai Futura, who says he saw a UFO near his St-Anne-D’Howard dwelling, claims a flat silver object hit him in the forehead and that it had nothing to do with the magic mushrooms he’d ingested an hour prior. “They’re coming,” he repeated over 10 times.

Although Rutkowski claims the rise in sightings may be due to “the downturn in the economy [leading] to an increased desire by some people to look skyward for assistance,” Rael, leader of the Free Love Movement of the future, knows better.

Simply transmitting the higher beings’ messages, he says, “gradually, thanks to these increased sightings, public awareness will also increase and our presence will no longer trigger stupid adoration, but instead a deep desire within the population to make contact with us.”

Futura, 27, has been a member ever since he walked by one of the Raelians’ topless protests, while on vacation in Myrtle Beach. Raelians support women’s freedom to go topless. It’s worked in Austin, Texas.

According to Raelism, those higher beings are “extraterrestrial scientists” belonging to a species called Elohim. Religious figures like Buddha and Jesus are mere prophets appointed by Elohim to purposely transmit other beliefs to humans, like angels and gods.

Their increased apparitions mean Elohim are fulfilling their last intention: to inform the world of their existence.

“The Elohim are preparing us for their return to Earth,” said leader of the Canadian Raelian movement. “For over 35 years, Canadian Raelians have contributed to collect funds dedicated to the building of an embassy to officially welcome the Elohim on Earth, in Israel or in a country that agrees to meet the requirements for this grandiose project.”

Vorilhon vehemently denies that Raelism is a cult despite the religion’s cloning practices and promotion of sexual activity.

Vorilhon’s estranged ex-wife claims to have come home to him hosting orgies multiple times and says it has affected their children.

NOTE: This is spoof content. All characters and events in this article—even those based on real people—are entirely fictional.