FAUX NEWS: Obama, Secret Confucianist

The new wardrobe of the commander-in-chief. Graphic David Barlow-Krelina

Despite public statements expounding on his Christian faith, President Barack Obama has once again publicly refudiated [note to editor: now a word] rumours and speculation that he is actually a Confucianist.

The vile accusations of Obama’s adherence to a religion that advocates peaceful resolution to conflicts and a lifelong goal of self-improvement were condemned by Democrats as slanderous for portraying the President as some sort of pussy.

“This isn’t a ‘merit-tah-cracy. This is a dem-mock-cracy,” said Stanley Pip, a dirt farmer who is most assuredly Republican, or at least a Glenn Beck viewer, upon being informed of the baseless and purely reckless allegations on our part.

“Everyone knows Obama’s Kenyan uncle was a Confucianist,” said Tony Masuka, a top Republican strategist, and coincidentally also a dirt farmer. “Like creepy uncle, like nephew,” he added, accenting his disdain with a spit of chewing tobacco which reverberated off the interior of a nearby spittoon, adding a colloquial atmosphere to the interview while subconsciously suggesting Masuka’s lack of intelligence in a manner deeply disparaging of the south to the non-existent viewing audience.

Picketers and tea party activists protested outside the White House on Monday, carrying signs depicting Obama with the words “No gentleman,” and “My only ‘Five Bonds’ are Connery, Lazenby, Moore, Dalton and Brosnan. You’ll notice we left out Daniel Craig, because we don’t consider him to be a legitimate Bond.”

Rumours of the President’s conversion to the semi-religious philosophical system came to a boil when Ambassador of the People’s Republic of China, Zhang Yesui, claimed Obama confessed to him in private about his secret Confucianism.

“Obama is one of us,” said Ambassador Yesui on the popular Chinese talk show, Talk People Talk, which airs on China Central Television, China’s state-run television network.

“Mr. Obama also acknowledged China’s right to global dominance,” continued Yesui, when he thought no Americans were watching Chinese state television.
“These ridiculous accusations have just got to stop,” said Obama in a press announcement, in which he carefully addressed the controversy amid other issues defining his presidency, including health care reform and ongoing operations in Afghanistan.

“Now, I’ve made no secret of my love for Ganesh,” continued the president. “But these accusations of Confucianism have got to be put to rest.”

This article originally appeared in Volume 31, Issue 06, published September 21, 2010.