FAUX NEWS: Chief Big Mac

Montreal’s New Top Cop to Crack Down on Gangs, Low Blood Pressure

You don’t wanna be in the back of Chief Big Mac’s patty wagon. Graphic Erin Jasiura

There is a new sheriff in town and his name is Officer Big Mac.

On Aug. 19, Montreal Mayor Gérald Tremblay announced the appointment of Officer Big Mac as the city’s new chief of police.

“The choice wasn’t easy but in the end I had to go with my gut,” said Tremblay to a chorus of laughter and applause at a city hall press conference.

Tremblay said that in early August he had narrowed down the list of potential candidates to two: Officer Big Mac and Marc Savard.

Savard ran the city’s north end and had received the backing of the brotherhood of police officers and community groups across the Island of Montreal in his bid for chief of police.

“Savard would have been a great choice,” said the Mayor. “I mean the guy is the perfect logical fit for the job. But does this city need the same old flavoured cops? Big Mac’s head is literally made of deliciousness. I get weak in the knees just thinking about his meaty head.”

The day’s announcement was not without naysayers, however, as one reporter openly questioned Officer Big Mac’s credentials.

“Does he have any relevant crime fighting experience?” asked the Mayor rhetorically. “Let’s just say he was the chief of police of a little place called McDonaldland. He’s caught em’ all, the Hamburgler, Captain Crook, the McDonaldland strangler…”

Officer Big Mac rose through the McDonaldland police ranks in the 1970s. He famously declared war on inferior fast food sandwiches and low blood pressure when he was appointed MacDonaldland chief of police in 1983.

To this day, his biggest achievement remains the arrest and subsequent imprisonment of notorious burger thief the Hamburgler.

“I bet you think the Hamburgler case was a joke,” said Big Mac to a reporter. “Well let me tell you something, smart guy. When your head is made of delicious meat, secret sauce and sesame seed buns, the Hamburgler is no fucking joke. He eats people like me, he steals them and he eats them.”

Officer Big Mac also told reporters he planned on completely revamping the police department, starting with the canine unit.

“There will be no more canine unit,” he said. “I can’t run the risk of working with dogs. No matter how well trained they are, I’m still made of ground beef and cheese.”

The Mayor also announced the formation of a new gang busting squad, called The Beef, to be headed up by Big Mac himself.

“There are a lot of people out there who want us to get rid of gangs with investigations and arrests,” said Big Mac. “Well that’s not how we did it in Macdonaldland. I will riddle these streets with bullets if I have to. I will make it so that no one is ever afraid of gangs in this city again.

“And if any of you can’t keep your mutts on a leash, I will put them down myself,” concluded Big Mac.

This article originally appeared in Volume 31, Issue 03, published August 31, 2010.