FAUX NEWS: Breaking News: World Dissolves

OpinionsTodd Langford — Published September 28, 2010

The DOW plummeted 3000 points at the announcement of the cessation of creation.

The cable news network CNN, whose founder Ted Turner claimed he would be there to “televise the apocalypse,” instantly vanished along with everything else in the universe, no longer anything but a whisper of a dream of a memory in the mind of a screaming idiot, signifying nothing.

Cory Jenkins, a student at Westview Elementary, was not happy with the sudden evaporation of all matter, but particularly the matter comprising his portable gaming system.

“Six hours I waited for the school bell to ring, and for what? A big empty nothingness where my room used to be,” said Jenkins. “Worst of all, my b.b. gun has gone missing—probably stolen by my [now non-existent] brother, Anthony.”

Cory Jenkins was 9.

Although the final and ultimate conclusion of this soirée we call existence came unexpectedly, biblical and Talmudic scholars have attempted to consult their respective holy books for signs of the then-impending cataclysm without end.

“This phenomenon is not without precedent in holy scripture.”
-Rabbi Levi,
“Gabbin’ with Jehovah” host

“This phenomenon is not without precedent in holy scripture,” claimed Rabbi Levi, host of the multi-faith podcast “Gabbin’ with Jehovah.”

“For instance, in, um. I forget the exact passage. Just give me a minute.” Upon the realization that his holy book no longer held physical form, Levi added, “It finally hit me. The rapture.”

Levi could not be consulted for further comment.

Although Deb and husband Stanley Parker expected to be whisked away to the afterlife as their eternal reward for a life of dutiful Catholic observance, no heavenly reward appeared forthcoming as of press time.

“Any second now—just you wait, Stanley—the golden arches will appear, and St. Paul will be there,” came the shrill, creaking voice of the late Deb Parker.

“We’re in limbo, Deborah,” interrupted Stanley Parker. “It’s your fault for enticing me with your lascivious ways.”

Exactly what legacy mankind will leave behind—whether its reprehensible greed which led to the desiccation and destruction of the natural world, or its noble quest for enlightenment and self-improvement—has been fiercely debated among cultural critics, who argue that the lack of any existing medium for an archeological record makes leaving any kind of legacy—even a buttery smear on a piece of toast—somewhat difficult.

This article originally appeared in Volume 31, Issue 07, published September 28, 2010.