Don’t @ Me: There Aren’t Any Good New Christmas Songs

When the Last Good One Dates Back to 1994, You Know We’ve Got a Problem

Graphic Elisa Barbier

Whether or not you celebrate Christmas, the music is unavoidable.

By the middle of December, everyone has re-learned the lyrics to “Jingle Bell Rock,” and Wham’s “Last Christmas” is blasted on repeat on every Christmas playlist on the planet.

But you know what you won’t find on a great Christmas classics list? Any songs written within the past 20 years.

Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” was released over 24 years ago, and since then, not a single potential Christmas classic has emerged.

Since the break of the twenty-first century, we have seen the development of some very revolutionary technologies in the music industry. We’ve gotten the iPod, YouTube music channels, and more music streaming services than you can count. But one thing the new millennium has yet to come up with is a half-decent Christmas chart-topper.

Christmas music is supposed to heighten all of our capitalist urges, to purchase ironic Christmas sweaters and spend copious amounts of money and time in shopping malls. Yet, despite it all, these tunes still manage to remedy the winter blues during one of the most stressful times of the year.

There is an instant nostalgia that comes with a great Christmas tune. The first few notes of “Feliz Navidad” will send everyone to the dance floor, and Elvis Presley’s “Blue Christmas” can get anyone in touch with their sensitive side. The fact is, no matter how many new Christmas songs come out each year, none of them are any less disappointing than the last.

The list of contenders for a new holiday hit is pretty short so far, but it does include Justin Bieber’s “Mistletoe,” which managed to hit the Billboard charts. The catchy tune from 2011 (arguably Bieber’s prime) will still play on loudspeakers while you’re rushing to grab those last minute Secret Santa presents at the mall. However, the lukewarm performance and lyrics will not find their way to any reputable Christmas playlist.

Ariana Grande’s “Santa Tell Me” or “Christmas Lights” by Coldplay are other examples of songs that just fall a little short, but they may be the closest songs we have to modern Christmas classics.

There are only so many covers of songs like “White Christmas” I can take, even if they are from everybody’s favorite family man, Michael Bublé, who continues to try very hard to be Frank Sinatra on his rendition of the holiday classic. And Eartha Kitt’s version of “Santa Baby” will always be number one in my mind, no matter how many people try and fail to cover it.

There is still room on my playlist for some great Christmas jingles, but all I can say is that when it comes to the 2000s and 2010s, I am truly disappointed in their failed attempts at creating a Christmas classic.