Don’t @ Me: Too Many Stupid National Days

Anything and Everything Needs its Own Day, Apparently

Graphic Aiden Locke

Nov. 6. That’s the day this article (read: rant) comes out.

It also happens to be National Nachos Day, as well as National Saxophone Day. “Huh, that’s fun,” some may say, not knowing how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Just two days later on Nov. 8, it follows with National Cappuccino day, National Harvey Wallbanger Day (a drink made up of orange juice, vodka and Galliano), National Parents as Teachers Day, and National S.T.E.A.M. (science, technology, engineering, art, and math) Day.

Do those things really need to be recognized? Do we need a day dedicated to celebrate a cocktail and, at the same time, all of science, tech, engineering, art, and math?

‘‘Come on Dustin, don’t you like a good Harvey Wallbanger or a nice hot cappuccino?” That’s not the point. I know this may sound like a case of ‘‘old man yells at cloud,’’ but hear me out.

National days, or days of celebration, or whatever you want to call them, are not inherently bad. It’s the sheer amount of them that exist that is dumb. Almost 1500! Not everything needs to be recognized with a day!

There are some dates on the calendar that are home to 12 different national days. Some of those days are actually quite important ones. Women’s Day, Earth Day, Rosa Parks Day, World Mental Health Day. All those days have real significance in the world. They actually mean something.

Those days get the distinction of sharing their dates with, respectively, National Peanut Cluster Day, National Jelly Bean Day, National Bifocals at the Monitor Liberation Day, and National Bring Your Teddy Bear to Work/School Day.

Look, jelly beans are great, don’t get me wrong. You can have a bunch of different flavours, share them with friends, and they were the first candy to be sold by weight instead of piece in America. There’s a lot of great things about jelly beans. But you can enjoy all of them without having to honour them on the same day as Earth Day!

These days get weirder and weirder the more you allow yourself to go down the deadly spiral of Some more real standouts: National Pro-Life Cupcake Day on Oct. 9 and National Brandied Fruit Day on Oct. 20.

Later this month, National Package Protection Day on Nov. 29, will “encourage homeowners to stay alert and protect their homes against package theft.” Thank God, I was feeling particularly discouraged from protecting the decorative wine glasses that I just ordered this year.

Why do we have National Donald Duck Day on June 9? This damn anthropomorphic duck needs his own holiday now? Does he not have enough? Are decades of Disney merch not getting the name out there enough, Donald?

Look at what these insane days have done to me. They’ve turned me against a loveable cartoon duck with no pants. This is what happens when you go down the national day rabbit hole and see the madness we as a society have allowed to happen. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Celebrate the days that actually matter, live your life, and when someone decides to be that person who says ‘happy Reptile Awareness Day’ on Oct. 21, run and never look back.