Briefs

Special IssueBrandown Jonestown — Published April 1, 2014

Concordia to Convert Escalators into Stairs

“All of the downtown campus escalators will hereby be turned into stairs,” Concordia President Alain Chépard told The Link in a recent interview. “I’m fed up with having to pay for repairs on a weekly basis,” he added, citing the high cost of maintaining the university’s escalators as a big factor in his decision. The escalators will be allowed to continue running until they inevitably stop working, likely within a few days. Additionally, Chépard added, all elevators will eventually be replaced with fire poles, “because that would be totally radical.”

Social Media Giant MySpace Purchases the Canadian Space Agency

In a move that sent shockwaves through the tech industry, MySpace has purchased the controlling shares of the Canadian Space Agency. “It just makes sense, we love space—hell, it’s in our name,” MySpace co-founder Tim Thompson told a room full of analysts during an online conference. Canadian astronaut and musician Chris Hitfeld praised the decision. “I think it’s a really good idea, the CSA can finally combine space exploration and music promotion at the same time,” he told The Link in a Skype interview from space. MySpace’s first executive decision as acting shareholder was to ground all CSA projects currently underway. “We really don’t think space exploration is important,” Thompson said. “We just want young people to think we’re cool again. Buying a space agency just made sense.”

Man Draws Dick on Bathroom Stall

Custodial service workers and students alike were shocked to discover a large drawing of male genitalia inside a bathroom stall on the Hall Building’s seventh floor. “It lacks artistic merit,” fine arts student Joé Furr posted on her online art criticism blog. “If they were attempting to shatter post-modern artistic tropes, they failed,” she said. Despite the negative feedback the drawing has received, some have come out in support of the anonymous artist. “I think it’s a great addition to student space. I’ve never seen anything like it before,” political science student Jim ‘Lanky’ Worbertchakovsky told The Link. “I really hope to see more drawings from the artist; I may even start trying to replicate them myself.”

Protestors Take to the Streets to Yell About Things

Activists took to the streets Friday to protest some things they were upset about. “I’m just here to hold a placard and meet girls,” protest participant Ryan Owen told The Link. “I don’t even know what the chant I’m yelling means, I don’t speak French,” he said before proceeding to light up a joint and kick the side of a car. The protesters made their way downtown to their eventual destination in front of a bank, or government building, or something like that. “We demand that things change!” they yelled—brandishing their fists towards the non-responsive monolithic entity. The demonstration ended with hundreds of arrests, after being declared “a rather silly thing” by Montreal police.

NOTE: This is spoof content. All characters and events in this article—even those based on real people—are entirely fictional.