Sex & Pancakes
Sober Sex
I’m a 23-year-old woman. I have been sexually active since I was 15. I have slept with many people, both guys and girls, but only while drunk. I can count on one hand the times I had sex sober but I can’t tell you how many people I slept with because I can’t possibly remember (30-40?). I need to stop using alcohol as a way to get close to people. I want to have a normal relationship one day. Help?
– Sober Second Thought
While having a “normal” relationship seems like an end goal for you, this should really come down to your physical and emotional wellbeing.
It’s everyone’s right to have as many or as few partners as they please (with consent of course), but it’s pretty clear from your question that you’re unhappy with some decisions you’ve made and are experiencing some regret.
You write that you need to stop using alcohol to get close to people, implying that you have trouble connecting to people sober. I think it’s really important to look within yourself and figure out what’s causing this behaviour.
What is making it difficult to connect? Are there any insecurities or negative thoughts that surface when you think about sex?
Think about the times you had sex sober: what were they like? Who were they with? Are there any experiences that stand out and can be directly linked to your current problem? Is this problem only sex-related, or do you feel you have difficulty connecting to people in general?
Explore reasons why this may be. While getting drunk is one way to temporarily numb feelings, we have feelings for a reason, and if you’re too uncomfortable to have sex with someone while sober then maybe you shouldn’t be having sex with that person at all.
I also think you should reflect on your relationship with alcohol. How often are you drunk? Why are you drinking? Do you think you have a problem with alcohol abuse?
From an outside and very limited viewpoint, it seems to me like you’re using it as an escape and, while I don’t think you match the textbook definition of an alcoholic, without the answers to those questions, I have no way of really knowing.
What I do know though, is that you’re definitely engaging in some risky behaviour. I’m sure you’re aware of the many risks that come along with having sex drunk but to name a few—when drunk, we’re more likely to have slower reactions if we find ourselves in unpleasant situations, to forget or regret decisions made and we’re less likely to practice safer sex (Condoms? Dental dams? Nahhhh).
I also think it’s important to consider consent in relation to alcohol consumption.
Depending on how drunk you get, do you trust that the people you’ve slept with would have stopped, or that you would have been able to properly express if you had changed your mind?
While it can seem easier to connect with people after a few drinks, they’re connecting with a version of you and not always a version you might want representing the full you.
So my advice: think really hard about your relationships with others—what things make you comfortable and uncomfortable, what makes you want a drink and why. Set a drink limit for yourself, even if it’s temporary, and—no matter how nervous you are—be sober the next time you have sex.
—Melissa Fuller
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