Sex Ed(itorial): Douching 101

A How-to Guide on Deep-Cleaning Your Booty

OpinionsZachary Fortier — Published January 10, 2023 3 minutes

Douching is the process of cleaning out your precious bits in order to have sex. While vaginal douching has been widely criticized and discouraged by medical professionals, anal douching is generally safer, though there are still some risks. 

At the end of the day, an asshole’s an asshole. So, is douching even worth the hassle?  Cleanliness is a conversation that needs to happen between you and your partner(s). For a lot of people, myself included, there is an added peace of mind that comes with eliminating the fear of dookie on the dick. 

Before you douche, there are a few things to consider. First and foremost is your diet. Anal sex is about turning a one-way street into a hustling, bustling avenue. Hence, you need to make sure you’re getting plenty of fibre. I recommend taking a wee bit of psyllium husk supplement, available in any drugstore.

If possible, try to space out when you’re eating a big meal and when you’re having anal sex. I completely condemn anyone who tells people to starve themselves all day just for some peen. Starving yourself for dick and balls in this economy? Have some decorum. The trick is to know your body and be familiar with your digestive system’s habits.

Ideally, douching should be done in a private bathroom, but anywhere with a toilet and sink will do. Make sure you have at least one towel on hand. Get a tiny bit of lubricant, as this will aid with inserting the douche.

The most common type of douche is a bulb, but these can be pricier and a tad harder to access. Attachments also exist for showers, but they can lead to over-douching because of the constant water pressure. Ultimately, finding the vessel that works best for you takes time. 

Many baby gays will tell you it is not uncommon to use a plastic water bottle as a douche. DO. NOT. DO. THIS. Using a water bottle is ineffective and messy.

The most accessible method is to buy an enema from the drugstore—the most common brand is Fleet. These are single-use plastic enemas with nozzles that can actually clean thoroughly. When using an enema, make sure to wash out any of the saline solution that comes in the bottle. Using that solution will likely result in an ocean of diarrhea. 

Filling your douche with water is the next step. Make sure the water you use is drinkable and room-temperature. If your water is too hot or cold, you will get painful cramps and likely call it a night. Do not add anything else (soap, essential oils, literally anything) to the douche, for it will hurt.

Lightly press the bulb before insertion to remove any air. Next, get into a semi-squat position. Using that little bit of lube, prepare the nozzle of your douche and gently insert into your rectum. Really try to not go too deep. Once inserted, squeeze the base and let the water enter.

Once you’ve squeezed the water in, remove the douche and clench your cheeks. Now, make like DaBaby and do your lil’ dancy dance. Wiggle around a little bit, like you’re gargling mouthwash. This is a bit of an old wives’ tale, but I’m convinced it works.

After a few good seconds, waddle over to the toilet and release the kraken. Squeezing out the water does feel weird, but you’ll get used to it. Inspect your water when done and repeat this process until your water runs clear.

Now that you’re ready to go, remember to practice safe, healthy sex with people who will respect your body and the process it took for you to be here. Hopefully, this guide has quelled some of your anal anxieties. Now, go get ‘em!

This article originally appeared in Volume 43, Issue 9, published January 10, 2023.