Sex and Pancakes
Dear Melissa,
I’ve recently begun to suspect my best friend of many years might be gay. A mutual friend has seen him with another man, and I’ve even been told he’s now in a relationship with a guy. It doesn’t bother me at all if this is true, but it hurts me that he wouldn’t tell me. It even seems like he feels he has to be extra “bro-ish” around me now, and I don’t know how to get him to open up.
From, Kept in the Dark
Dear Kept in the Dark,
First off, I feel your pain. No matter the situation, it’s never fun when someone starts acting extra bro-ish. That being said, I can see your friend’s motivation in this situation. Sexuality is a personal thing and I tend to think that someone’s orientation should be irrelevant to other people. However, in your case it’s easy to understand why you might be hurt.
There can be a lot of different reasons why he hasn’t come out to you, or to anyone. For starters, this might all be new to him, so he might not be at the point where he’s ready or wanting to share. He could be confused, and he could even not necessarily identify or think of himself as gay, so he might be in a position where he doesn’t feel there’s anything to “come out” about. It may sound weird to say that a man dating another man may not see himself as gay, but our culture has cut such a strict mould for what it means to be gay that he may just not see himself fitting in it. And, most obviously, he could also really just be scared about the reaction of those around him.
Do you trust that this mutual friend wouldn’t exaggerate a situation for the chance to gossip? Has your best friend told anyone that you know of that he’s gay? If he has, don’t take it too personally that it wasn’t you.
Sometimes it’s actually easier to tell a complete stranger a big secret because a negative reaction from them would hurt less than one from someone you love.
If he hasn’t, I don’t think the best way to do this is by directly approaching or asking him about it because it could be interpreted as an attack or assumption, and that could be messy for both of you. Instead, I think you should try to focus on your friendship and the attitude you present when issues related to sexuality come up. If you have opportunities to tell him how much your friendship means to you, take them. If you’re having discussions where queer issues or sexuality come up, take those opportunities to show him how open-minded and comfortable you can be. If he comes to see you as a generally accepting person who truly values his friendship then you’re setting the stage for him to come to you if or when the time comes. If you think you’re already doing all these things, and as far as he’s concerned you’re the most open-minded person alive, then maybe being patient is all you can do.
I know it kind of sucks to feel like your best friend is hiding such a huge part of his life from you. However, our society is such that it puts immense pressure on people who don’t conform to heterosexual norms and so you should keep in mind how hard it might be for him as well. It’s not an easy situation but I think he’ll really appreciate you sticking it out for him in the end.
—Melissa Fuller
This article originally appeared in Volume 31, Issue 21, published February 1, 2011.
