Self-proclaimed ‘beloved’ university president found dead

Never Our Fault University mourns awful loss

OpinionsSatireThe Stink — Published April 1, 2025 2 minutes

Montreal-area Never Our Fault University (NOFU) has lost its president.

President Graham Cracker was found dead in his private vault at 8:48 a.m. on Saturday, March 29. Authorities believe that Cracker had entered his vault to examine his large fortune, a weekend ritual of his.

Cracker tripped while descending the staircase and plummeted several stories below into his vast chasm of $100 bills. His fortune managed to cushion his fall, but many of the bills lodged in his throat and asphyxiated him. An autopsy confirmed that Cracker was dead within two minutes.

“I couldn’t believe how many hundreds were down that guy’s throat,” Montreal University President Hospital medical examiner Fortha Oldys said. “I thought, ‘Who has so much money that this could happen?’ I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Cracker was not alone at the time of his death, however. The NOFU board of governors entered Cracker’s vault with him because of a board-wide friendly competition of, “How tall is your money pile?”

Upon witnessing Cracker’s plunge, the NOFU board stepped outside for an emergency board meeting to decide the proper course of action. After hours of deliberation, the board returned to the vault with a 13-12 decision to call an ambulance for Cracker. But authorities had already arrived at the scene due to calls from Cracker’s neighbours. Therefore, all board members went home to enjoy their weekend.

“We have to follow democratic procedure,” NOFU spokesperson Panini P. Maestro replied when asked via email why the board did not help immediately. “There could’ve been a major public outcry if somebody called for help without first making sure that the majority agreed to do so.”

The Stink requested photos of the scene but was informed that NOFU did not have any, due to an unwavering refusal to work on weekends.

“We’re not going to go take photos on a Saturday,” Maestro’s email read. The statement confirmed that NOFU sent somebody to take photos at 9 a.m. the following Monday, but police and paramedics had already cleared the scene.

Cracker leaves behind two adult children.

“He had recently gotten a huge raise,” said Cracker’s daughter, Saltine Cracker. “That’s probably what was down his throat.”

NOFU will immediately begin its search for a new president. Maestro’s email said that NOFU is committed to finding another president who upholds its strong moral values.

“The university always described itself as ‘next-generation.’ Dad was super proud of that, but I never understood it,” said Cracker’s eldest son, Ritz Cracker, when asked about his large inheritance. “I guess this is what they meant.”
 

This article originally appeared in Volume 45, Issue 12, published April 1, 2025.