No, Bro

I’ll admit it: I am a brave man. I am consistently blazing new frontiers in my area of expertise: inaction. I am all about not doing things, especially things that could potentially help others. I’m just a handsome rebel that way and there’s nothing society can do about it.

That’s why Alex Manley’s insightful article “No to Movember” published in Vol. 32 Issue 11 of The Link struck such a powerful chord with me. It’s not often that someone is brave enough to tell people to wake up, smell the tulips because roses are too popular, and stop donating to a charity. Even more impressive is that he managed to do this without using any facts.

It’s as simple as this: prostate cancer is the good kind of cancer, and anyone who has it is probably a hedge-fund manager, sitting in an ergonomic chair made of cash. We should all be so lucky! Prostate cancer is this century’s gout, affecting only kings and noblemen.

Now, some of you what Alex so cleverly dubbed Mo-Bros (Seriously, fuck you guys!) might be saying “but wait, the American Cancer Society has found that prostate cancer is most common among Black men, and low-income people generally lack the means to exercise or get a nutritious diet, which in turn increases their risk.”

Oh, I hear you, bro. You’re saying prostate cancer is most likely to affect the most entitled people on earth: low-income Black Americans. I mean, can you name one current president that isn’t black?

The important thing is that Alex Manley’s writing has sparked painfully unnecessary conversation. From the people who claim white women are more entitled than men, to the folks that say prostate cancer patients should just walk it off, they all have important things to say, and, like Alex, they won’t be stopped by rational thought or credible evidence.

So the next time you see the name Alex Manley, don’t think “bizarre distortions of reality” or “the absurd ramblings of a syphilitic brain.” In fact, don’t think at all. Just remember: Charity is a zero-sum game in which various organizations viciously fight for your money. Donating to UNICEF is basically like taking away money from AIDS research, and donating to AIDS research causes the SPCA to put down dozens of the cutest puppies.

In conclusion, in the spirit of Alex Manley, I humbly say to you, dear reader: HEY EVERYBODY, LOOK AT ME!

—Brett Perlman
BA Creative Writing