Nah’msayin?

Pizza Problems of Displaced East-Coast Americans

OpinionsJonathan Caragay-Cook — Published September 21, 2015

But this isn’t about my poor diet. It’s about pizza terminology. If you read the first line and didn’t stumble over it then you’re nuts. A circle of pizza? Montreal peeps—and everyone else not from the east coast of America—it’s called a pizza PIE—PIE as in a full pizza that you can take individual SLICES from to eat.

So Pizza-Pizza guy, when I come up to the counter drenched in sweat and panting, asking for a pie of PLAIN pizza, I want a circle of pizza filled with cheese. I don’t want some weird Irish-pub-pie-equivalent with cheese and tomato sauce stuff inside. I want a freaking circle of pizza cooked to your pizza-chain standards of perfection.

Also, PLAIN means CHEESE, not a circle of dough with tomato sauce sadly splattered on it. I realized this hip east coast terminology was useful when an Italian friend from Montreal—who vehemently opposes the terms—accidentally said pie while debating whether to order individual slices or sharing a full geometric circular shape.

This friend says in Italy, a pizza is smaller so the term is not applicable. Well I say, in this globalized-fast-food world we live in, let’s modernize. Let’s innovate. Let’s all call it a pizza pie. Besides, New Jersey and New York do everything better.