Wacky Waving, Arm Flailing, Bendable Handle Man

  • Graphic Caity Hall

You got by the icy sidewalk and onto the 80 bus without slipping.

You’ve squeezed past the people inevitably clogging the bus’s entrance with their backpacks and puffy Canada Goose coats. You even found a little standing room outside the weird, bendy, no-man’s-land in the middle of the bus (c’mon, who thought that was a good idea?).

But you’re not in the clear yet.

There’s nowhere to hang on to during the bumpy ride over the Park Ave. potholes—unless you try to get a hand to the metal rod to your right, reaching over the shifty-eyed, greasy guy reading Ravished by the Triceratops.

So you’re left with only one option: holding on to one of those flexible plastic handles that offer as much support as a wet noodle. In your sludge-soaked Sorels, it’s already a challenge to stay on your feet.

You try not ram into anybody, wobbling around like a McGill bro stumbling out of Bar des Pins on beer pong night. The whole way to campus you flail around like one of those giant inflatable tube men you find outside car dealerships on the side of highways.

Hey, STM: I have a hard enough time standing on my twiggy legs the other 99 per cent of the time. I appreciate your concern for my lack of balance, but if it’s not too much trouble, could we get some more metal bars, please? They do just fine.

—Geoffrey Vendeville, Coordinating Editor

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