Just Fight the System

New CSU Electoral Reforms Put the “Blood” in Bloodsport

Special IssueLauren Ipsom — Published April 1, 2013

In a last-ditch attempt at combating student apathy, the Concordia Student Union has reformed its electoral process once again.

The walls sweated in the dimly lit corner of a secret room at Concordia Thursday night, where candidates proved their worth with no shirts, no shoes (6) and a newfound love for soap making.

Instead of bothering with polls and ballots, our student representation is now decided at the CSU Fight Club.

“This is direct democracy,” said Chief Electoral Officer Andy “Dre” Paulson, while grinning, despite having lost a few teeth in Thursday’s excitement.

“The last candidate standing is our next president—what could be simpler than that?”

This decision was made after months of careful policy planning by various committees and subcommittees were wiped out by the resurgence of a mysterious Y2K bug that had deleted Concordia’s grades database 13 years ago.

Left with little other choice, everyone seemed to agree beating each other senseless would be the best way to get anything done.

There was a general consensus that representatives would need this kind of stamina to make it through regularly scheduled council meetings.

“Only the strong survive,” said one councillor-elect. “And sure as shit I’m a survivor.”

The councillor-elect, who couldn’t remember his name due to temporary brain damage, said this is just the kind of election he’d been training for—having spent most of his undergrad in the Hall Building boiler room beating slabs of concrete with his bear [editor’s note: not a typo] hands.

Election night went late as usual, but instead of it being due to the usual ballot-counting SNAFUs, it was because the fights went as long as they had to (7).

“They want a 30-large salary paid by us?” asked one engineering student with a newfound passion for student politics. “Well then they should expect some permanent nerve damage.”

The most brutal of the fights was of course for the position of VP Finance, where both candidates had spent months training at the exclusive Coors Light School of Cash-Money ULTRA-Gym located in an undisclosed location at the downtown campus. Both candidates, however, faced penalties for refusing to remove their Armani suits before the fight.

The business school had hoped to run a referendum question to separate from Concordia this year, but upon hearing about these new electoral reforms they quickly decided to stay on for another few months.

The improvements in student participation are already showing. The elections overflow room filled past capacity early in the night. While no recording devices were allowed, fine arts students prepared gruesomely realistic frescos of the action to be mounted in the CSU’s offices.

“They need to understand where they’ve been to know where they’re going,” mused one of the artists. “Also, space.”

Concordia politicos of yesteryear stopped by to see the action, too.

“Politics at Concordia is a bloodsport,” said former CSU President Gillian Jacobs, who made an appearance at Thursday’s brawl to show her support.

“At first I thought that needed to change, but now I get it. We’re a bunch of goddamn animals and we need to accept that.”

Concordia’s pacifist community picketed the event, saying that brains, not brawn should decide the students’ representation, and that the funding of the whole event was highway robbery of student funds.

The fight club fee levy was passed last year with a referendum question that was vague, to say the least.

“Do you like to have a good time?” read the question in the 2012 general election.

More than just pacifists are expressing concern about these reforms, however.

First-year students in residence have reported that, since talk of the CSU Fight Club began, the mandatory rez-soup tastes even more like urine than usual.

Many undergrads have also been spotted shaving their heads in the hallways. Some fear a resurgence of the Red Square Crime Syndicate.

What’s most surprising, though, is that even with the new fight club system we won’t know the results until after an extensive recount.

RULES OF CSU FIGHT CLUB

1st RULE: You do not talk about CSU FIGHT CLUB.

2nd RULE: You DO NOT talk about CSU FIGHT CLUB.

3rd RULE: If someone says “stop,” goes limp, taps out the fight is over.

4th RULE: Only two candidates to a fight.

5th RULE: One fight at a time.

6th RULE: No shirts, no shoes.

7th RULE: Fights will go on as long as they have to.

8th RULE: If this is your first night at CSU FIGHT CLUB, you HAVE to fight.

NOTE: This is spoof content. All characters and events in this article—even those based on real people—are entirely fictional.