Horrorscopes!

GET ‘EM WHILE THEY’RE STILL AROUND.

DISCLAIMER: All of this content is false. None of it is real. It’s meant to amuse and have a good laugh on what was an overly serious year at this university. If you get mad or for one fleeting moment think that any of this is real, please put this newspaper down and walk away. Seriously. Thank you.


According to NASA, Aquarius and Libra have disappeared from the zodiac, as lucidity and balance are no longer consciously achievable. NASA said in a press release yesterday that they are “doing their best to recover the missing zodiacs,” but they fear that the two constellations have fallen for good. In the meantime, here are the weekly horoscopes for the remaining signs,

Capricorn


“There are so many doors to be opened, and I’m not afraid to look behind them,” Elizabeth Taylor once said. Capricorn, it’s time to open some metaphoric doors and step into the unknown. I hear the after-hours parties there are great.



Pisces

“Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business,” author Tom Robbins once wrote. My advice to you, Pisces, is to get as magical as possible before it’s too late. Suck on a moonstone.


Aries

Aries, I feel like you are searching for something. I was searching for Atlantis today on the Internet and stumbled upon an interesting theory: One scholar believes that the island of Atlantis that Plato was referring to is actually our Earth! The entire thing! Aries, is what you’re looking for right in front of your eyes? Are you looking for your eyes? What does it all mean?


Taurus
Mount Everest, the highest point on the Earth’s surface, is more than 1 mile shorter than the Challenger Deep, the deepest point in the ocean. Taurus, progression can be both an upward and downward experience. Don’t be afraid of digressing in the next week, you may find that you end up where you need to be.


Cancer
When microscopic plants in the ocean die, they fall to the bottom. Over long periods of time, the remnants of this life, rich in carbon, are carried back into the interior of the Earth and recycled. This pulls carbon out of the atmosphere, which makes sure we don’t get a runaway greenhouse disaster. Libra, don’t be afraid to fall to the bottom of the ocean, it may give you the regeneration you need.


Gemini

Gemini, do you have more answers than questions? Or more questions than there are answers for? I advise you to focus on the questions. Perhaps they are in and of themselves, answers.


Leo­
When a redwood tree reaches a certain height, it sprouts a new trunk that grows out sideways from the already existing one. Live like a redwood this week, Leo, it’s time to start a brand new journey around the clock.


Virgo
At the very centre of the Galaxy, right at its very core, lies a monster: a supermassive black hole. Virgo, I sense you’ve felt this lately—the feeling of uncertainty and fear. I recommend you try and forget the looming black hole and try to think smaller.


Scorpio

“Happy are those who find fault with themselves instead of finding fault with others,” the great prophet Muhammad once said. Have you been too hard on the ones around you lately? Have you even noticed? Soften up, Scorpio. Everything that is wrong with the world stems from inside yourself.


Sagittarius
According to my crystal ball, you have been half-absorbed by the black hole that has already eaten up the Aquarians and Libras. Good luck buddy, make sure to e-mail me and let me know what it’s like.

This article originally appeared in The Link Volume 31, Issue 28, published March 29, 2011.

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