Horoscopes: Valentine’s edition

The stars spare no one—especially not a Sagittarius

If you’re alone on Valentine’s Day this year, this horoscope will surely tell you why. Graphic Maria Chabelnik

Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy this special edition of The Link’s horoscopes for hopeless romantics, but please don’t take this too seriously… except if you’re a Sagittarius.

Aries: You're probably the least problematic zodiac sign, but stop thinking you're always right. You might learn a few things by dialling down the stubbornness. Also, focus on fixing your posture, no one’s gonna love you if you have the posture of an 80-year-old.

Taurus: Sorry, I don’t listen when Taurans talk because they usually speak in a very dull and monotonous manner. Or they’re a hothead. There’s no in between. Blocking your crush because they rejected you is cringe. Focus on being less impulsive.

Gemini: You can't commit to a personality let alone a person. And why does it take you so long to answer messages? If people text you, it's because they want to talk to you, take a hint. Leaving them on read isn't a solution, so focus on being more consistent.

Cancer: You've probably been crying ever since your crush ignored you, but please wipe your tears, they probably didn't mean to be dry. Try to redirect your energy towards building your inner strength… or whatever it is that life coaches say.

Leo: So you posted a selfie and your crush didn't like it? Get over yourself, not everyone spends hours scrolling through their Instagram feed… or maybe they do and they just didn’t like your picture? The stars are unclear. Focus on keeping your ego in check.

Virgo: You're probably obsessing over someone, aren't you? If the feeling is mutual, great, make a move if you haven't already. If the feeling isn't mutual, just move on. Focus on being more decisive.

Libra: You talk so so so much. It's cute when you say interesting things, but really frustrating when your hot takes are horrible, which they usually are. Focus on reevaluating how you say things.

Scorpio: I won’t call you toxic, but I won’t call you mature either. In other words, everyone has room for improvement, but you’ve got more than average. The stars say to take a step back and reevaluate your life decisions, or you won’t reach your full potential. Focus on getting your vibes under control.

Sagittarius: Don't let your fear of commitment be the reason you ghost everyone who ever showed interest in you. Well, you're either afraid of commitment, or you're just an asshole—to put it mildly. Focus on fixing yourself because it's not up to someone else to fix you, that's just a toxic mentality, and you’re better than that… or are you? 

Capricorn: Your mixed signals scare everyone away. You are definitely going to end up alone if you don't commit to a wave frequency. Also, focus on being less confrontational, you're a headache, and that’s why you’re spending Valentine’s Day alone. 

Aquarius: You do this weird thing where you act super interested then disappear for a year, then reappear like nothing happened. Why? Do you think that's healthy? Focus on reorganizing your priorities because something isn't adding up. 

Pisces: Stop. Drunk. Texting. Your. Exes. "It wasn't me, it was the booze." Stop, block their number. It’s not cute or funny. Focus on yourself until mercury is at least in retrograde.

This concludes this month’s horoscopes, brought to you by a professional astrologist who firmly believes every sign has its flaws, but no one is beyond self-improvement… except Sagittariuses, you're all doomed.