Charge of Bias from Losing Candidate

‘They cost me the election, all 35,000 of them, biased’

DISCLAIMER: All of this content is false. None of it is real. It’s meant to amuse and have a good laugh on what was an overly serious year at this university. If you get mad or for one fleeting moment think that any of this is real, please put this newspaper down and walk away. Seriously. Thank you.

While reflecting on how he lost the Concordia Student Union election to a group of misfits and rascals, a sober Kenny Hollad endured Reggies’ new standing-only section.

“It was the bias,” said Hollad. “They were all biased against me, and now they are all sitting at the bar and what am I? Why isn’t anyone else standing?”

During the 2011 campaign to control the CSU executive and the union’s nearly $2 million budget, Hollad’s Fiction slate accused many of Concordia’s media outlets of bias. His slate also refused to condemn attacks on the integrity of the campus’ newspapers and the destruction of thousands of dollars of equipment at the student-run television station.

“Did you see their bias? Every damn time they spoke to me, it was always, ‘Answer this question please? Why are you blocking that comment? Stop hitting me with that campaign sign.’ They were out to get me,” continued the former candidate.

“Why weren’t they asking me about my beamer? Bias! I shined it for them, put some Armor All on the wheels, well not me, but someone did,” said Hollad. “This isn’t how it was supposed to be. Some Asian guy padded my CV just right, then I went to the ASFA parties, put on my tightest pants, and I copied last year’s winning formula.

“2+2=6 right?”

While the Fiction slate quickly attempted to distance itself from the incumbent executive, most of the damage was already done. Hollad said that his team didn’t realize that the Inclusion slate in power was deeply unpopular.

“How was I supposed to know that people had a problem with the CSU? They put on that WHALE thing for show. They let students vote against the student centre,” Hollad continued. “Let me tell you one thing, if I had won, students would have been consulted, but given a vote, that’s preposterous.

“How can students be accountable if they don’t put their name on a ballot, this whole system is broken. No transparency. Bias!”

According to the Fiction leader, the blocking of Facebook comments wasn’t due to a need to control students, only to inform them about the decorum of campaigns.

“You need to be constructive if you want to talk to us,” said Hollad. “Do you want to tell me squat? Tell me what to do and how, not what you want. Look at the debate with that biased scum. I knew we were in trouble when that moderator jerk said, ‘Students only,’ for asking questions.

“Students are the worst, biased lot! Every time they ask a question, they support them,” said the Fiction presidential candidate as he pointed to a Our Ville-Marie t-shirt.

“Students, all 35,000 of them, biased. Made the stupid media biased too. Questions, too many damn questions from the students.

“Sorry, what newspaper do you work for?” asked Hollad.

This article originally appeared in The Link Volume 31, Issue 28, published March 29, 2011.

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