Anal Sex Laws Need an Enema

This past December, Alberta’s queers got an unexpected Christmas gift from their government: homosexuality was finally struck from the province’s list of mental disorders. Congratulations, Alberta. Welcome to the 1970s!

In this spirit of Alberta’s constitutional spring-cleaning, I propose that the federal government do a little of their own.

Did you know that Canada currently regulates how many guests can come through your back door? Did you also know that the age of consent differs when one is having sex in the pink or in the stink?

The criminal code states: “Every person who engages in an act of anal intercourse is guilty of an indictable offence and liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 10 years, or is guilty of an offence punishable on summary conviction.”

Don’t worry, though. There are some exceptions, thankfully.

The law doesn’t apply to you if the pillow biting is done in private between a husband and wife or any two persons who are over the age of 18. “Done in private” is defined as having only two people present or participating in a non-public space.

But wait, does that mean I can’t have anal sex with someone under 18—even though I could do a myriad other nasty (and consensual) things with this person, so long as they are of the age of consent, which is 16? Yes, that’s exactly what it means.

That’s right kinks, it also means it’s illegal to root someone’s rectum while a buddy sits in the corner and films while touching him/herself. More explicitly, double-penetration is illegal as well.

It should be noted, though, that this archaic law has been proven unconstitutional by provincial courts and will most certainly never be applied to anal-enthusiasts ever again. Nevertheless, it should be removed from the books immediately.

I would also like for Stephen Harper to personally apologize on behalf of the government for making the anal-brigade feel dirty when they take the Hershey Highway home in the carpool lane.

This article originally appeared in Volume 31, Issue 20, published January 25, 2011.