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Outgoing CSU VP Finance Mark Car to Realize Dreams of Street Racing

  • Photo Graham Tallen Apple

Many of us were surprised last year to have elected a car to be the Concordia Student Union’s VP Finance. But as President Patricia All Wheeler put it, “It really shows the tolerance and open-mindedness we have here at Concordia. After all, nobody’s got a better machine-like work ethic than a machine itself.”

All Wheeler admitted that getting to know Mark Car wasn’t easy at first.

“The grumbles of the muffler could be understood as both displeasure and satisfaction, and we really had no idea what it meant when he would just turn his headlights on and focus them on us, unblinking, from across the meeting room. It’s like, was he mad? One time, [VP Academic] Parmesan Fortnight went over to touch him and he instinctively backed into a wall,” she said.

“But with a little fiddling under the hood, the road really started to smooth out,” All Wheeler continued. “Mark’s so driven—always set on getting from point A to point B. He hates staying idle and prefers to put pedal to the metal, but he’s ready to change lanes if the situation calls for it. He’s also a car.”

With his CSU career in the rearview mirror after not being reelected in the union’s general election last week, a new life of street racing and advertising seems to be in Car’s headlights.

“As a finance student, I know there’s a lot of money in illegal activity,” said Car through an interpreter. “I can’t really spend a Wednesday evening without thinking about money, so street racing at high stakes just seemed like the natural next step.

“I think Concordia can learn a lot from NASCAR, and to set an example I’ll be wearing two dozen brands at my next race on René-Levesque [Blvd.]. Bring your children!” he concluded. With that, he sped off to the nearest elevator.

One councillor—who asked not to be named—admits her feelings on Car’s tenure are more mixed.

“I feel like he just took us for a ride the whole year. The guy’s ideas ran out of mileage a long time ago,” the councillor said.

“I gotta say, towards the end it looked like he was running on empty. He’d better get a tune-up soon or else somebody’s gonna strip him for parts. Hell, I doubt you could sell him to my 16-year-old nephew in the shape he’s in.”

NOTE: This is spoof content. All characters and events in this article—even those based on real people—are entirely fictional.

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