This year’s gonna suck
If you thought it was bad, it’s still going to get worse. Hang on tight!
Aries (March 21-April 19): It doesn’t matter where your Venus is, your love life is going to suck, so just a heads up on that. Disappointment and ghostings lie around every corner, so buckle up kiddo. Your lucky day was yesterday. Absolutely abysmal.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): You will meet the love of your life in ECON 201, but beware the interference of Jupiter, which could cause your wi-fi connection to drop. Zoom can’t relaunch without a version update.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Make this a self-care day, Gemini. After signing out of your analytical chemistry class, lay down on your living room floor and blast Drake’s biggest hits from Views on your tinny phone speakers to bring you back to summer ‘16. It’s all been downhill since.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Make sure to read up on tenants’ rights as Pluto, which rules loss and common property, squares off with the moon, which rules the home. Renoviction season comes faster than you think!
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): The magnetism of Pluto symbolizes transformation and rebirth, but your liberal professors brainwashed you into thinking it’s a dwarf planet, no matter what your parents say. Therefore, everything will be in stasis forever.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You certainly can’t make out in the staircases anymore, so how are you going to get a thrill this year? Mars is in retrograde from Sept. 9 to Nov. 14, so get freaky in the breakout rooms.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You are entering your solar return! This is a great time for personal expansion and to gain new knowledge. Read Are Prisons Obsolete? by Angela Y. Davis.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Be wary of cucumbers. Staying too hydrated will clear your mind to the point of radicalization. Drink up, but only if you want to get with it, comrade. Your lucky numbers are 17, 38.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): I asked the stars about your GPA, and Mercury told me to tell you to keep your hopes lower than your 2.6 GPA, which will make it look bigger. This tip works for a variety of things.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Since all aspects of our lives are confined to our homes, Neptune cannot guide you to the wonderful surprises life has in store for you via happy coincidences. Error 404: Destination not found. You keep circling your living room.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Your attempts at humour may fall short.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Usually your lucky numbers are 3, 6, 14. This time, don’t look out for them because it really doesn’t matter.
This article originally appeared in The Disorientation Issue, published September 8, 2020.