U.S. Senator Ted Cruz Eyeing Run For Prime Minister of Canada

Because Why The F*ck Not, Right?

  • Graphic Erica Pishdadian

Following United States Senator Ted Cruz’s announcement that he is running for the American presidency, there have been a few questions about whether or not the Texan immigrant is even eligible to run for office. Most legal experts believe he’s in the clear; but if that turns out to be false, the Canadian-born senator is prepped and ready with a back-up plan.

“I’ve formed an exploratory committee with regards to a potential bid for Canadian Prime Minister,” he announced yesterday to a crowd of nearly one dozen. Cruz arrived to the conference in patriotic style, wearing a denim jacket and accompanied by a chorus singing “O Canada.”

“I love this country,” he proclaimed to the ‘crowd.’ “I was born here. After this press conference, I’m stopping by a restaurant for some poutine and visiting a sugar shack, because I’m proud to be Canadian, I swear.”

One resident of Alberta, Chad Bradley, was disappointed to learn that Cruz was a natural-born Canadian citizen. “I don’t understand how we keep getting stuck with these guys. This is like, worse than Justin Bieber, dude.”

Others have questioned Cruz’s sincerity and aptitude, referencing reports that he renounced his Canadian citizenship just last year and citing his apparent belief that you can ‘run’ for prime minister. Many also voiced their displeasure at Cruz’s adherence to literally every stereotype ever made about Canada.

Cruz dismissed these concerns. “Smear campaigns from the liberal media,” he proclaimed. “All of it. Even here, I can’t escape persecution from the far-left media pundits.”

Cruz also rebelled against the sentiment that he is a megalomaniac hell-bent on running a country, no matter which one it may be. He assured Canadian voters that his plans and long-term goals are specific to this nation.

Among his campaign promises was a solemn vow to uphold current Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s policy of silencing scientists, implementing tax cuts for the average Canadian making over a modest $1.5 million per year and massive scale-backs on government funding for both education and health care.

Prime Minister Harper seemed thoroughly unconcerned by the prospect of a challenger even more conservative than him. “Ted’s a wannabe,” he said. “He’s just copying all of my ideas for my next term. I’m confident the Canadian people will see the difference between the original and this poser.”

Cruz disagrees. He feels quite confident with his chances. In fact, he’s stated quite emphatically that his biggest concern with his prime minister bid is what happens if he wins the top seat in both countries.

“I’m not sure on the logistics yet, but I’ve been thinking we might be able to combine the two countries to become a ‘United States of North America’,” said Cruz. “I know that’s something Canadians would really want, and I think that I can make it happen.”

By commenting on this page you agree to the terms of our Comments Policy.