Twerkin’ for the Weekend

The Link Gets ‘Turnt Up,’ Misuses $27 of Student Money

Special IssueHarold Flint — Published April 1, 2014

“This is a disgrace. We promise there will be consequences,” said a statement from The Link’s board of directors issued on March 31. “The [Concordia Student Union] got away with spending $9,000 of students’ money on a party at Newtown, but, hey, they deserve it because they work so hard.”

Receipts from the party on March 29 show that the paper’s staff shelled out $26 on two pitchers of beer with the remainder going toward a game of foosball. The Link staff didn’t leave any tip.

“We weren’t going to tip. We were just being responsible. This was students’ money, after all,” said former editor Jake Russell.

Further details of The Link’s lavish night on the town emerged Monday. The paper’s staff initially tried to get into Newtown on Crescent St. but were turned away because of bad body odour. Just before 9 p.m., they moved on to plan B, Bifteck on St. Laurent Blvd.

“I’ve never seen a rowdier group in my life—and after just a couple of glasses of Coors Light each,” said Peggy Reid, a waitress at Bifteck and notorious buzzkill. “That party was turnt up.”

Around 10 p.m., Reid asked The Link’s editors to climb down from the bar where they were twerkin’ up a storm. Copy editor Michael Wrobel—twirling his V-neck in the air—refused, allegedly replying, “It’s our party, we can do what we want. It’s our party, we can say what we want. It’s our party, we can love who we want.”

He added, “And we caaan’t stop. And we wooon’t stop,” before passing out.

Reached by phone early the next morning, Wrobel said, “Gatorade. Gatoraaade!” before suddenly hanging up.

Students were outraged that The Link’s party was closed to anyone outside the newspaper’s coterie of writers and editors. Still visibly recovering from the night of debauchery, the paper’s managing editor, Justin Blanchard, said on Monday morning that the party was open to everyone.

“Everybody’s always invited to link with the drink,” he said, slurring his words.

The decision to throw a party with students’ hard-earned cash apparently originated with editor-in-chief Jayde Norström.

“There was a small surplus in the budget so I thought the responsible thing to do would be to go get crunk,” she explained.

News of the controversial party reached as far as Concordia President Alain Chépard.

“The Link has put all of Concordia to shame,” he said. “What a bunch of light-weights. And no tip? C’mon guys, you’ve got to leave at least 15 per cent. Everybody knows that.”

NOTE: This is spoof content. All characters and events in this article—even those based on real people—are entirely fictional.