Sun News Network Host Ezra Levant Bedridden After “Anti-Earth Day” Publicity Stunt

  • Graphic Graham Tallen Apples

Sun News Network star Ezra Levant has fallen violently ill and is expected to be bedridden for “decades” after literally eating his own words, according to the chief gastroenterologist at Toronto’s St. George Hospital.

On March 31, Levant consumed approximately 25 copies of his book Oil Is the Warmest Colour, 48 copies of A Place in the Sun: The Whitewashing of Guantanamo Bay and 336 copies of the March 25 issue of The Calgary Moon, which had printed an op-ed under his name titled “Why Tommy Douglas’ Body Should Be Exhumed and Set on Fire.”

The televised paper-eating marathon, dubbed “Anti-Earth Day,” served two purposes according to organizers. The first was to “demonstrate the fundamental flaws in the rhetoric of environmentalism by wasting a lot of paper on purpose,” while the second was “to show the left-wing sycophants of the nation that Ezra Levant can and regularly does eat his own words.”

Levant maintained that the stunt was among the most critical contributions to diversity in the media since the 1977 “Save Our Children” campaign in the United States.

“This is what diversity is all about,” declared Levant, before tucking into a stack of hardcover first editions.

Levant’s seemingly voracious appetite appeared to dwindle past the four-hour mark, as assistants began to ladle strips of newsprint into his twitching mouth. After five hours, a bloated and immobile Lavant was rushed to hospital in a Sun News SUV.

“I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t the stupidest case I’ve ever had to deal with,” said Dr. Melanie Mucil, the chief gastroenterologist at the hospital, who is legally obligated to treat Lavint. “But I’d also be lying if I said I was surprised.”

Dr. Mucil said she had heard reports of frustration from surgeons who operated on Lavint in the afternoon of March 31. Levant was immediately moved to the front of the emergency queue due to his faint but audible protests of “not believing in the system.”

“He somehow managed to talk right through the anesthetic,” Mucil said. “He was asking the surgeons if they were honest, hardworking everyday Canadians and repeatedly insisted that he pay them.”

Although the operation was deemed “successful enough,” the stunt put so great a strain on Levant’s body that he will be bedridden and mostly mute “until the Winnipeg Olympic Games, at the very least,” said Mucil.

Supporters and well-wishers for Levant are encouraged to leave inane comments on the online version of this article.

NOTE: This is spoof content. All characters and events in this article—even those based on real people—are entirely fictional.

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