That Transexual Guy
Trans 101
“I want to share my transition. I want to write to you about public bathrooms, navigating my name change and taking hormones. I want to tell you about the scary parts, the fun times and share with you the celebrations that come along with transitioning. I want to tell you all of this because I think that it is important that you know about it.”
Goods news, Concordia! I start hormones on Oct. 26. Are you excited for me? If you are, congratulate me! Really, do. It’s a good thing. It means that you are acknowledging my struggle and patting me on the back.
Same goes for any other trans person you may know—depending on how well you know the person and what they’re comfortable with, offer a fist-bump, high five, or a hug. It’s exciting for a transsexual to finally be on hormones. Be excited with them.
That brings me to what you shouldn’t bring up with a trans person—because a lot of people seem to be iffy on whether to ask questions or not ask questions, and have a tendency to sometimes ask the wrong questions. Hopefully this helps to clear things up a bit.
Firstly, ask if you can ask questions. Trans people get questions about themselves all the time. Answering them is time-consuming and emotionally exhausting. The trans person may not be up to answering you at just that moment, for reasons that don’t have anything to do with you.
Please do not inquire about genitals. It’s a rude and invasive line of questioning—period—whether you’re a trans person or not. In college, I had a professor ask me about mine after class. I stared at her pointedly until she looked away and changed the subject.
When a trans person is talking about their body, mimic the language they are using. Don’t gender their body by referring to their parts as “boobs,” “vagina,” and “penis.” They may not use those words. Those words could be triggering painful memories.
Please, please be careful when inquiring about trans people’s bodies. We have a lot of hurt and shame surrounding them due to years of confronting heteronormative ideals, parental expectations and any number of other issues that trans people have to deal with.
Ask about pronouns if you are unsure. Unless a person is used to this question, you may get an irate answer. Breathe. It’s okay. The person is not mad at you particularly—they’re frustrated with the circumstances that always force them into these situations.
If the person is not mad, they might be appreciative that you took the time to check in. Assuming pronouns and getting them wrong is really embarrassing, after all. If you mess up someone’s pronouns after they have told you their preference, just apologize, correct yourself, and move on.
While being taken aside to apologize is nice and it’s awesome that you realized that you messed up, it’s not like anyone’s going to smite you for getting their pronoun wrong. Although, if you continue to ask questions about their genitals and whether or not they’re getting surgery “down there,” be prepared for lightning bolts. Maybe.
Don’t ask about birth names. That’s like accusing them of being someone they aren’t—like you can’t believe them when they tell you what their chosen name is, which suggests that they’re untrustworthy somehow.
I think that’s my biggest bruise—the idea that trans people are tricking people, lying or not telling the truth about their real identities. Hey, I chose to be true to myself. Don’t question the integrity of that decision, okay? Please don’t ask me about regret either. The real lying was pretending and going along with being a girl. That was a shameful lie that lay on my tongue for too many years.
So, maybe you’ve figured out by now that I’ve considered gender a lot. This is true. As such, please do not try to give me or any other trans person gender “tips.” Again, this is equivalent to telling someone they’re “doing it wrong.” Most of the time, trans folks are aware of gender on an extremely visceral level.
We know what we feel comfortable doing and what we don’t. I can’t pull off the macho tough guy swagger. I am a man that feels comfortable crossing his legs and gesticulating a lot.
Sure, that can be perceived as a little feminine, but you know what? I’m okay with that. I’m a bit of an effeminate guy. You should see all the flowery button-down shirts I have—plus, nail polish goes really well with my bow ties.
Please do not assume the sexuality of trans people. I know MTFs who are lesbians and I know MTFs who are straight women. I know FTMs who are gay men and FTMS who are straight men. Heck, I know trans people who have just given up on figuring out who they are attracted to because gender is just too complicated!
Anyway, when I say “don’t assume,” this also means “don’t assume we’re all going to get married, have kids and a nice house.” Trans people are just as varied and colourful as cisgendered people are.
Oh, and here’s a good one: don’t out trans people without their consent—even if they write about their lives in a newspaper column. Not everyone needs to know such personal information.
Am I going to inform every single person I meet that I am trans? No. The guy who sells me my OPUS pass every month doesn’t need to know. Nor does the baker I get pizza subs from. My gender is completely irrelevant sometimes.
The above also applies to lesbians, gays, bisexuals, asexuals, pansexuals, queers and others as well. Essentially, if someone is not straight, don’t out them without asking.
Just one more thing and I’ll stop haranguing you—please don’t say, “I understand.” You really don’t. As a cisgendered person, you have no idea what you are talking about. People don’t think you’re sick in the head for being your own gender, do they? (If they do, contact me—I have resources for you! Or a shoulder to lean on, if you want it.)
Here are some alternative comments to make:
“I can imagine.”
“Yeah, that must suck.”
“Yup.”
Oh—and one more one last thing. Yes, I do know who Chaz Bono is. Cher’s son—he transitioned from female to male. No, I did not see him on Oprah or Ellen. He’s living his life and I am living mine. And that is all I want to do—in a safe, healthy, and whole way.
Oliver is @inkwrite on Twitter.
Trans Terminology
People sometimes don’t know how to refer to trans people, or misuse words they don’t properly understand. So, I compiled a list of some handy words and terms that might help you out when talking to, about or with a trans person.
Trans: I use this as a short word for “transsexual” but in other circles, it is short for “transgender.” See below.
Transgender: this word has come to encompass all gender-variant identities including, but not limited to: butch, drag queen/king, effeminate men, cross-dressers, etc. Not everyone identifies as such, however.
Transsexual: a person who may be physically altering their body to feel more at home in it. They were assigned a gender at birth and disagreed with the assignment. They are therefore choosing to modify their body accordingly. This often involves taking hormones and having surgeries—but doesn’t have to. You choose how far along you want to go. There are many non-op or even non-hormone folks out there who prefer to remain as they are, but just go out and about as the gender they truly feel they are. Don’t doubt their decision.
MTF: a person who is transitioning from male to female. They may or may not have identified or gone along with their “male” identity throughout their life.
Trans woman: an MTF person.
FTM: a person who is transitioning from female to male. They may or may not have identified or gone along with their “female” identity throughout their life.
Trans man: an FTM person (like me).
Top surgery: surgery to alter your chest.
Bottom surgery: surgery or surgeries to alter your genitals or to remove reproductive organs (hysterectomy). The removal of reproductive organs is required by law if you want to have your “sex designation” changed on your birth certificate.
Genderqueer: a person who does not identify as male or female. A genderqueer can feel they are in the middle of the two, neither, or a mix of both—or something else entirely.
Genderfuck: someone who enjoys messing with the given cultural expectations of gender.
Cisgender: a non-trans person.
Heteronormativity: the straight world—and all the assumptions, expectations, and rules that go along with it.
Passing: Successfully being perceived as the gender you transitioned/are transitioning towards. Passing is a problematic word. It puts the onus on the trans person in question for getting their gender “right.” Rather, we should see it as onlookers perceiving a trans person incorrectly. One can’t embody one’s own gender wrong. The only time I would use the word “passing” is when I need to be perceived as something I am not in order to survive. For example, I may need to “pass” as a woman in order to get access to bathroom stalls with garbages in them so I can throw my pads away. (Yes, I still have a period. It will go away after three months of hormones, thank the gods.)
