Space From Space
Magical Alien Shows Severyns the Light
DISCLAIMER: All of this content is false. None of it is real. It’s meant to amuse and have a good laugh on what was an overly serious year at this university. If you get mad or for one fleeting moment think that any of this is real, please put this newspaper down and walk away. Seriously. Thank you.
The man behind the most recent referendum for a fee levy increase towards a student centre, Concordia Student Union VP Adrien Severyns, says he has seen the error of his ways—thanks to a heartwarming encounter with a magical alien.
“I used to think that we needed a big, fancy student centre to bring us all together,” said a tearful Severyns as the alien’s spacecraft soared majestically into the night sky. “But now I realize, there’s a little student centre in all of us.
“Right here,” he continued, first tapping himself above his heart, and then doing the same to this reporter.
Severyns’ transformation from a lonely boy trying to find a place to belong, to a man who understands the nature of love, began with the arrival of the friendly alien. After sharing Reese’s Pieces and teaching English (and French) to the diminutive creature, the two forged a bond that could never be broken, culminating in the establishment of a symbiotic tie that saw Severyns and the alien mount a bicycle and fly away from an angry mob of students intent on finding the source of the alien’s powers, which include healing plants, preventing floods in the Faubourg, and establishing club space for all registered CSU groups.
“That little guy really showed me the meaning of friendship,” said Severyns, wiping a single tear from his cheek.
“I realized that the human heart is not 60 per cent student space and 40 per cent for use of administration, but belongs entirely to students!”
Severyns added that his new project would get rid of WiFi caps in Concordia’s dorms so that students will always be able to use Skype to “phone home.”
–Alan J. Zheitervac
This article originally appeared in The Link Volume 31, Issue 28, published March 29, 2011.
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