Nah’msayin?
The Secrets of Suck
The word “suck” gets tossed about a lot these days. It’s almost as versatile as the word “fuck,” and almost as much fun, too. However, there is one context where the word “suck” just isn’t cutting it—and that is in describing the shittiness of awful music.
Yes, Nickelback sucks. So did 98 Degrees and The Monkees. Chris Brown sucks hard. The thing that irritates me is that all these “artists” (don’t even get me started on referring to the drummer from a band like Maroon 5 with that word) suck for completely different reasons, and the word suck is just completely inadequate to convey each unique brand of shut-the-fuck-up-ness.
This is a global problem, and governments should be investing in a solution, rather than figuring out how to save polar bears. Polar bears are cool and all, but unless they’re eating Chad Kroeger’s face off, they’re a part of the problem, not the solution.
If I may, I’m going to propose a temporary answer that we’ll have to use until the UN finally gives in to my letter-writing campaign. I’ve narrowed the types of suck down to four categories, and have given each a term that I think encompasses how, and why, the groups who belong to them suck.
First, you have bands that are just musically inept. Somehow, these guys actually end up seeming kind of cool, in a punk-rock kind of way. These bands don’t suck. They sid (as in Vicious).
Next you have the bands who can play like motherfuckers. Unfortunately, that’s all they can do, as the concept of “songs,” or “not being a pretentious jackhole” is an alien one. These guys tend to tull pretty hard (If you don’t know who Jethro Tull is, congratulations! You’ve probably had sex at some point).
Then there are artists who have good songs, can play, and might even look good, but still, there’s just something intrinsically unappealing about them. If you hear a song on the radio, you’ll nod along, until you realize who it is, at which point it immediately becomes unbearable. These are the bands that truly lavigne. (My love/hate for Avril has been revealed. Don’t judge me).
Lastly, you’ll have the groups that are just terrible in every way. This is kind of a catchall category, as most bands that really suck fall in here. They can’t play, the music sucks, and you expect the lead singer to introduce himself as Smarmy F. Douchebag. There’s only one word that will capture this brand of suck. Those bands just totally seacrest.
This article originally appeared in Volume 32, Issue 03, published September 13, 2011.
