Emperor Lolwy

what’s inside dederick lolwy

Special Issue–Riley “Your Mom” Sparkers — Published March 29, 2011

DISCLAIMER: All of this content is false. None of it is real. It’s meant to amuse and have a good laugh on what was an overly serious year at this university. If you get mad or for one fleeting moment think that any of this is real, please put this newspaper down and walk away. Seriously. Thank you.




Grapeshot

An early anti-personnel ammunition fired from naval cannons, these chunks of grapeshot date back to Lolwy’s service under Vice Admiral Nelson at the Battle of Trafalgar.



Russian Cavalry Sabre


It’s not in his official university biography, but a young Frederick Lolwy was one of the survivors of the infamous Charge of the Light Brigade. Emergency medicine wasn’t quite as good back then, and Lolwy still has the tip of a Russian cavalry sabre embedded in his thigh.



Baseball signed by Babe Ruth


A priceless sports artifact, this baseball–inexplicably found in Lolwy’s stomach–was signed by the Sultan of Swat himself after the Red Sox’s 1915 World Series win.



Necklace from

Titanic
That necklace the old lady dropped into the sea from the deck of the Titanic? Fell into Lolwy’s mouth as he was lying on a piece of wreckage in the frigid waters of the Atlantic.



A fully-grown, live sea turtle


Where did this come from? Not sure. It was super angry, though.



Tattoo of Austro-Hungarian flag


Lolwy got this tattoo of the original red, white and green flag of Austria-Hungary shortly before the empire’s dissolution after the First World War.



Seven undigested blotters of LSD


As a psych consultant at Montreal’s Royal Victoria Hospital in the late 60s, it’s long been suspected that Lolwy participated in the CIA’s secret mind-control MK-ULTRA program, part of which was happening at Royal Victoria around the same time Lolwy worked there. Or he just liked to party.

This article originally appeared in Volume 31, Issue 28, published March 29, 2011.