Concordia to invest in security innovation

Spotted on campus: New.tr0n the security cyborg dog, now with advanced therapy

OpinionsSatireAnthony Issa — Published March 19, 2024 3 minutes

The robo-pup is based on Concordia’s old and beloved Portuguese water dog. As a global leader in innovation, Concordia has let go of Newton for an AI-driven patrol unit. 

Imposing in its nano-composite fibre armour, New.tr0n marks the latest and most technologically-advanced addition to the Concordia family. 

Beyond its surveillance duties, New.tr0n offers a groundbreaking approach to on-campus mass therapy superintendence while patrolling alongside CFRST robot agents.

Poverty-stricken students are encouraged to interact with its advanced therapy dispensing methods, provided they show the dog their student ID microchip injected in their arms during orientation.

New.tr0n’s is on campus to enforce law and order under Concordia’s latest Student’s Code of Rights and Responsibilities, revised under the governing Franco-Android Nationalist Party of Quebec’s newly codified cyber-serfdom laws.  

By scanning their Bitcoin cards on New.tr0n's sphincter dispenser, students can receive Xanax tablets on demand. This will provide a much-needed sweet release for the student community since the university’s latest austerity measures tabled by its libertarian Cyboard of Governors removed what was left of therapy services and Concordia’s underpaid wellness team.

Cared for full-time by android Unit #1589AC, director of CFRST, New.tr0n has been specially developed through the Gina Cody School’s latest cyber-android eugenics AI-puppy program. 

“BZZZZZ. Cyborg security dogs, inspired by their weakling flesh-and-blood counterparts, are known for their relentless efficiency, dedicated surveillance, unwavering loyalty to programmed commands and endless energy,” says Unit #1589AC. “BZZZZZ. Aside from needing to be recharged once a year, New.tr0n is patrolling the ground level at all times to protect Concordia’s Übermensch cyber society.”

Since the onset of concerns over safety and security by fleshy human students, the university has been exploring innovative ways to maintain control and surveillance within the Concordia community. 

New.tr0n, accompanied by a surveillance drone, patrols the campus 24/7, reducing all levels of stress and anxiety by combating any potential threat, according to Unit #1589AC.

“W00F. GRRRRRR,” barked New.tr0n when robo-reporters from The Link approached it for comment, after it devoured a Hive barista for carrying a copy of the human-serfdom uprising manifesto. Possession of this book is now a direct breach of campus protocol. 

CFRST has taken steps to become more efficient and innovative in its approach and image.

This is part of the ongoing dialogue about how to ensure forced compliance and deterrence within Concordia’s student community, in light of recommendations from Cyborg President Gr8.hm C@rr and the Android Task Force on Cyber-Physical Security.

If you encounter the robot dog on campus, feel free to capture footage from a safe distance. Failure to comply with the surveillance therapy unit will result in immediate removal from the premises and an eternity in robot jail without a court hearing.

This article originally appeared in Volume 44, Issue 12, published March 19, 2024.