Sex & Pancakes

No matter what your pleasure, get health tips with our sex column by Melissa Fuller.

  • Apartment Building Tensions

    My boyfriend and I are in a committed long-distance relationship. Recently, I moved in with a male friend and I’ve gradually discovered that I have deep feelings for him. At first I wasn’t too concerned, because we’re both involved with people we’re serious about, but a combination of feeling safe around him and total sex deprivation has led to some awkward thoughts. I really love my man, but I’m miserable trying to ignore these feelings. Can I make this easier on myself or is it a hopeless case? —Rent-Up Desire

    There are some ways to make this a little easier on you, but before that can happen, you need to figure out what your ideal solution actually looks like.
    Whether or not these “deep feelings” are deep emotional feelings, deep sexual feelings or a bit of both is pretty key—is this someone you want to date, regularly sleep with or just fool around with once or twice?

    You also say your roommate is in a serious relationship, so I’m wondering if he’s been giving you reason to believe he wants something to happen with you. If your roommate wants something to happen, then things will probably get pretty messy however you play it.

    If this is the case, don’t cheat. Cheating is a really shitty and disrespectful thing to do to someone, and if you feel like it may come to that, I suggest either talking to your boyfriend about how you’re feeling and potentially breaking up, or finding yourself another living situation.

    At the same time, don’t ignore your thoughts. Use your fantasies, masturbate to them (if you aren’t already), and enjoy the awesome orgasms they’ll give you.
    Fantasizing is not cheating, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with exploring the things you’re fantasizing about doing without actually doing them to relieve some tension. Sometimes people even realize they don’t actually want to do the things they fantasize about once they get it a little out of their system.

    In another direction, I don’t know how long you’ve been doing the long-distance thing, but sometimes when couples are apart for some time but know they still want to be together, they temporarily open up their relationship.

    If the lack of sexual intimacy is becoming a recurring issue and an open model is of interest to you and your boyfriend, then it might be something to start looking into and seriously discussing.

    Being open can mean a lot of things, and the boundaries are really up to the couple to decide based on their own comfort levels.

    It can be really complicated to switch from a monogamous long-term relationship to an open one, and both partners need to want it and be committed to the process. It’s definitely not for everyone.

    That may or may not be for you, but even with an open relationship, you still live with this guy! What is the likelihood that your boyfriend will be cool with you fucking the guy you live with? Or that things won’t get awkward once you’re done messing around? You might lose him not only as a roommate, but as a friend too.

    If you’re having trouble ignoring your feelings, then maybe you shouldn’t be ignoring them. They may be there because you need a change, however big or small. My advice is to figure out what you really want from your relationship, and whether this living situation is best for you.

    For help working through your sex-related fears, you can always contact Concordia Counselling & Development. The Sir George Williams campus office is reachable at 514-848-2424 ext. 3545, and the one at Loyola is ext. 3555

    Send questions to sexpancakes.thelink@gmail.comand check out “Sex & Pancakes” on Facebook

  • Oral Panic

    _I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year. We have great sex; I feel comfortable and love having intercourse with him. He is extremely gentle and tender with me.
    But, sometimes I don’t like oral sex. Most of the time if he tries to go down on me I feel uncomfortable and nervous to the point where I feel I might cry. Other times, I will enjoy it for a little bit but then eventually want it to stop. I also feel nervous when he puts his mouth on my nipples. Why is this?
    —Sensitive Situation_

    First off, glad to hear you and your boyfriend seem to be doing good and that you’re having great sex! Yay you!

    So there are a few things I want to talk about. But first, if you don’t like oral sex, why do you do it? Receiving oral sex is about you, and your partner is probably trying to please you, so if you’re not loving it, then that’s a sign that you shouldn’t be doing it—especially because of the way you describe your feelings about it.

    I get the impression that you’re asking about this or not stopping because you might think there’s something more than just not liking it going on, which is completely possible. There’s no real way for me to know what exactly, but I can elaborate on some physical and psychological issues that can arise.

    On the physical side, I don’t have much detail on how it actually feels for you, but it could be an issue of sensitivity and thus fear of not being touched right. Based on your question, I’m not 100 per cent sure which parts you have below the belt, but luckily, both apply.

    Both the clitoris and the penis can be extremely sensitive because of all the nerve endings, and some people require very specific pressure in order to enjoy themselves. Without that exact pressure, it could be way too much when touched wrong.

    The same can go for nipples. If you also happen to be someone who is ticklish, this can make things even harder, as both require a certain loss of control on extremely sensitive parts of your body.

    Psychologically, I’m not a psychologist and not qualified to diagnose, but I’ll throw a few ideas out there in case one clicks.

    You should ask yourself if this is the first partner you’ve had this problem with, if there’s a specific experience you associate with oral sex, or if you have any suspicions at all as to why this act would make you so uncomfortable. If so, reflect on those experiences.

    Body image can also play into this. Are you insecure about either of these body parts? If so, it would make a lot of sense if someone’s face being right there made you nervous.

    If you feel like this might be psychological, even if you’re unsure, I strongly recommend talking to someone qualified about it because you can’t always figure things out on your own.

    When it comes down to it, I don’t have all the information, and even if I did, I can’t guarantee I’d have the answers. So reflect on what I’ve given you and what you already know and hopefully you’ll have a better idea of what direction to
    take this in!

    For help working through your sex-related fears, you can always contact Concordia Counselling & Development. The Sir George Williams campus office is reachable at 514-848-2424 ext. 3545, and the one at Loyola is ext. 3555.

    - Melissa Fuller

    Send questions to sexpancakes.thelink@gmail.com and check out “Sex & Pancakes” on Facebook.

  • Searching for a Free Spot

    Where the hell do I have sex with my girlfriend? Both of us live at home. My parents don’t know I’m gay and her family situation is complicated. We don’t drive, so cars are out. We’ve had some sex in private places in public, but it’s often really risky. And winter is cold in Montreal!

    —Vagina Vagrant

    Living at home can definitely create some difficult situations when it comes to sex and that need for privacy probably isn’t going to go away anytime soon.

    My first thought when I read this was that there are actually a lot of “private” public places at Concordia. You’re probably at least a little tired of taking a risk every time you have sex, but desperate times call for desperate measures…

    Places some readers and I recommend include upper-floor washrooms in the EV, MB and Library Buildings, or SP and CJ at Loyola.

    They’re less likely to be in use, and are usually cleaner since they’re used less. Some of them are even fully lockable from the inside without a key.

    Upper stairwells in these buildings are also great since most of them have pretty reliable elevator service, leaving the stairs rarely used and easy to tell when someone is coming up or down them because of echoing.

    And you just can’t beat the view from the 11th floor of the EV emergency stairwell!

    There are also several unlocked boardrooms on one of the upper levels of the MB building—I haven’t scouted the spots, but I’ve been told that they’re between the 11th-13th floors (they might be locked soon after this goes to print though).

    If you’re more of a Loyola dweller, the “secret” tunnel between CJ and SP is guaranteed to be deserted most days after 7:00 p.m. You’ll find it near the CJ Building exit closest to the SP Building.

    I also want to mention that I looked into potential consequences, and while I’m still awaiting more info (check out next week’s S&P!) the general response was that if security finds students engaging in sexual activity on campus their protocol is to file a statement and submit it to the Office of Rights and Responsibilities.

    Good news: there’s nothing currently stated in the Code of Conduct about consensual sexual activity on campus, but I’m going to go ahead and say that stumbling upon people having sex can be just as awkward as getting caught, so it wouldn’t surprise me if all parties just want to move on with their day.

    And if not, you could always try talking your way out of it—or running!

    Aside from campus, consider a bad movie. If you can pick one that’s on the verge of being out of theatres and was never really in high demand to begin with, even better. It’s also been a little while since you sent this question, and the weather is warming up so if you have summer spots you might be good to head to them already.

    If you really don’t want to get public, try sneaking around at home if there are times where all family members are out working or in school. Maybe add a lock to your bedroom door, if you don’t already have one, for extra peace of mind. If this makes you especially nervous as a permanent solution, maybe consider this option only for special occasions if you really want to do it on a bed.

    You can also consider a cheap hotel for special occasions. The cheapest in Montreal are around $50 a night. While it sucks because it comes at a cost, it could be an option for when you really need a nice private night.

    I think your situation is one that a lot of people can relate to, and I wish I had more helpful advice, but unfortunately this is a problem that can’t be fully solved until one or both of you are able to move out, so you may just need to search for a situation you can both accept in the meantime.

    Good luck!

    Send questions to sexpancakes.thelink@gmail.com and check out “Sex & Pancakes” on Facebook.

  • Two in the Pink, One in the Kink

    My girlfriend and I have a healthy, active sex life that is fully satisfying. However, we have tried to expand it in several ways, including blindfolding and sex in public. I am writing you to ask your suggestions of other mildly kinky things to try. —Kinky on the Brain

    So you wanna get your kink on… but not completely.

    Before we continue, I have to warn you that this isn’t “ Cosmo’s Kinky 101”—I’m not going to tell you to lick salt off each other’s sweaty bodies or bite her armpits.

    My idea of “mildly kinky” might be different than yours, so you’ll definitely have to add or remove kink intensity (kink-tensity!) where you can, but I’ve tried to give it some variety so hopefully there’ll be something for everyone.

    Hand Solo

    As basic as it might seem, masturbating in front of each other can be incredibly erotic, and educational too. Take turns enjoying the show and learning more about how your partner likes to be touched. To take it up a notch, bring in toys—how intense that gets is really your call.

    Make Your Own Porn Stash

    Yes, that’s porn stash, not porn ‘stache. Film or take pictures of yourself masturbating to send and give to your partner—or film yourselves doing it and watch it together later.

    Sending a hot picture of yourself to your partner while you’re out can also be a fun way to tease them, or initiate public sex. Just be sure to send it to the right person—and delete it or store it in a safe place afterward!

    Sexy Strangers

    Role-playing can be a huge turn-on, and if you’re already messing around with public sex, this can be a fun next step. Run into each other somewhere, use different names, (or maybe disguises) and think up sexy scenarios together.

    If you’re lacking inspiration or just feel silly, watching porn together and then acting a scene out can help get things started with a script.

    Tie ‘Er Up

    I don’t classify “light” bondage as the time to whip out those fancy scouting knots, but rather using unlocked cuffs, or a scarf to tie your partner at the hands, legs, or both.

    The light part is that you’re testing the bondage waters, and at any point the tied person can escape (which can also turn into a sexy situation). This can be intensified at any point by tying real knots and making use of a safeword—a word you and your partner agree on beforehand to signal someone’s discomfort with what’s happening.

    Depending on the situation, “No,” “Don’t” or “Stop” might seem like part of the fun, but a safeword should stick out.
    Something like “banana” might work, for example.

    Give Anal Play a Try

    I know some people are pretty wary of the ass, but if you haven’t already and you’re curious, maybe it’s time to take that leap.

    Again, anal play can vary greatly in intensity. It could mean just rubbing the outside of your partner’s anus, licking it when you’re already down there, fingering or full-on fucking. Just rubbing or fingering can still be intense when paired with other acts (oral/vaginal penetration), so take it as far as you want to go.

    When it comes down to it, kink is really about trust and boundaries. Pushing your boundaries, feeling comfortable enough to voice them, and trusting that your partner will accept when you’ve reached them.

    Send questions to sexpancakes.thelink@gmail.com and check out “Sex & Pancakes” on Facebook.

  • Dirty Mouth

    I’m a 24-year-old woman and my boyfriend won’t kiss me after I give him head. My mouth grosses him out after he finishes in it and I don’t know if it should bother me but it does. Is there anything I can do?
    Feeling Mouthy

    Oral sex can be a pretty intimate act, at times even more so than intercourse, because it’s about taking the time to focus on your partner’s pleasure—and also, your mouth is on someone’s genitals.

    ‘Getting head is a pretty sweet gesture, so I can understand why it would be upsetting when one second your mouth is the hottest thing he’s ever seen—and the next you’re too dirty for a kiss.

    Why won’t he kiss you? Has he actually said that your mouth grosses him out? There could be a lot of reasons why he’s grossed out, the most obvious being that he’s just simply grossed out by his own cum.

    Slightly less obvious is the strong societal norm and pressure that men who have sex with women simply aren’t supposed to like or want to be near cum—even their own.

    While there’s a hidden homophobic undercurrent there, our sexuality is largely shaped by our societies and norms, and while it’s important to recognize them, it’s not always fair to blame people for them.

    According to the guys I asked, it’s pretty common for dudes to be grossed out by their own cum. While they recognize that it’s a double standard and they would (no-tongue) kiss their girls after oral, they completely understand why a guy might not want to.

    It can also depend on what you mean by “after he finishes in it.” Everyone has different comfort levels, so consider this—are you swallowing, spitting, or holding it in your mouth and expecting a tongue-heavy cum-swapping makeout session?

    Either way, the important part isn’t that your partner doesn’t want to kiss you after oral, it’s the feelings that arise from him not wanting to.
    If not getting kissed after head is something that matters to you even the teensiest bit, then the first step is to actually talk to him about how you feel.

    If you care about and respect each other you should be able to have a real conversation about this and find a solution together. Maybe he won’t kiss you, but will make an effort to show he appreciates the gesture in other ways.

    Remember, though, that he does have a right to not kiss you afterward—and to not want to. How he exercises that right, and how you feel about it does matter, though, and, as always you have the right to not give him head or not let him cum in your mouth if you don’t feel good about it.

    People often, and easily, forget that performing oral isn’t only about your partner’s pleasure. With a good partner, oral sex should be enjoyable for both of you.

    I don’t expect everyone to love doing it, but your attitudes about oral sex really play into your feelings about it. So it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise that my advice is to open the lines of communication and understanding between you and your partner.

    Send questions to sexpancakes.thelink@gmail.com and check out “Sex & Pancakes” on Facebook.