Roaches Run Rampant

  • Graphic Josh Barkman

Next time you’re on the platform in Guy-Concordia Metro, look closely at the floor next to the walls. You can’t un-see it. A teeming mass of horrible little legs and antennae. Hundreds of cockroaches, some of them the size of beagles.

I saw these awful little creatures at the beginning of the year. Maybe two or three, scurrying around, all creepy and gross-looking. Taking advantage of the STM’s clever do-absolutely-nothing strategy, they’ve since multiplied like crazy, and are rapidly taking over the station.

It’s getting out of control. Last week I saw a herd of the little critters steal a guitar from a dude playing in the metro, and by yesterday afternoon when I caught the train downtown they’d learned how to play “Brown Eyed Girl” and were busking for change.

The other day I watched a pack of wild cockroaches carry a baby off into the tunnels. I have no proof, but I’m pretty sure they’re forming some kind of parallel, underground Jungle Book-type society where they’re massing feral, insect-raised children to storm up the subway tunnels and take control of the city.

That’s pretty freaking terrifying. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being ruled over by some damn dirty insects. I just want to finish my BFA and enjoy my unemployment in peace. Is that too much to ask?

I’ve watched enough action movies to know what has to happen next. We need to 28 Weeks Later this situation and flood the tunnels with napalm and whatnot. It’s the only way to be sure.

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