JMSB Buys CSU In Hostile Takeover

Mo Money No Problems

Jibb Ronni — Published April 1, 2012

In a downright ballsy move, the Commerce and Administration Students’ Association and high-ranking members of the John Molson School of Business exercised their financial prowess in a bid to buy out the Concordia Student Union.

“Eh bro, you know what they say,” said CASA VP Academic Jonny Shakiman. “If you can’t beat ‘em, buy ‘em.”

Growing tension between the CSU and CASA is not new news, however the situation came to an ugly head this spring after nearly a full year of non-existent correspondence.

“While they were out coloring signs, holding pot-lucks and playing hacky-sack on de Maisonneuve Blvd., we were busy taking ‘their people’ out for lunch,” said CASA President Mary Lucy.

Though the change of hands might be awkward at first, CASA says next year will be business as usual, only with a little more swagger.

“In a way, you could say that JMSB is going green,” said Lucy. “Really, we’re doing the entire student body a service by buying out those hippies. This will be great for our image.”

Some improvements include a Reggie’s makeover to allow for a semi-formal dress code to be put into effect, as well as erecting a stage for the in-house jazz ensemble.

In an attempt to “purge the 7th floor” of the Hall Building, JMSB also bought out the People’s Potato.

“It was just gross and attracted the, um, wrong kind of people,” said Lucy.

CSU executives were unable to be reached for comment. It appears they have been sent on an all-inclusive vacation to an undisclosed location.