Don’t@Me: You’re Not Kinky, You’re Just an Asshole

The Difference Between a Dom and a Prick: Explained

  • Graphic Breea Kobernick

It’s fantastic that the fluidity and range of sexual pleasure is constantly being expanded upon in our generation but, for fuck’s sake, stop abusing people under the guise of “kink.”

We all know, by now, different people get off to different things, and more and more of these acts are being normalized through online discussion and personal openness.

This comes with a risk though: making kink a normal aspect of everyday sexuality normalizes it.

It doesn’t just normalize kink for those who use whips, chains, cuffs, names, roles, and whatever else excites them for pleasure and exploration of their own and their partner’s sexuality.

It also normalizes the idea of kink for those who use the power of dominance for their own gain alone.

What makes kink so beautiful and powerful is the careful dance between two partners, it doesn’t work unless everyone involved is—well— involved.

Abusers are out there, unfortunately.

With kink culture becoming more apparent in our generation, there’s bound to be times that these kinds of people try to pass off their own self-centered desires as “kinky.”

In a growing subculture, abuse and absolute trust can be strangely hard to differentiate.

One of the most common kinky practices is to have a dominant and a submissive partner in the bedroom or relationship, known colloquially as dom/sub.

The way this usually works, of course there being a million exceptions and variations, is during sexual play the dom takes the lead by telling, moving, and influencing the sub, while the sub enjoys being “helpless” and under the control of the dom.

Notice the quotation marks around “helpless.”

This, like all kinky scenes and playing, are between the sexual partners involved.

Any power one may hold over another is agreed upon and mostly an illusion, for the pleasure of everybody involved.

One of the best examples I’ve found is in a book entitled, “The Loving Dominant,” by John Warren.

The scene described is one in which the submissive is tied down to a bed, with the dominant dripping hot wax from a burning candle onto her skin.

The important observation in this scene is when the submissive would wince at the burning wax, the dominant would move his hand higher and let the wax fall further, cooling it down.

It was as if the submissive was controlling the dom’s hand with her reactions.

Although it may appear that she’s powerless, tied to a bed and unable to move, she’s actually in just as much control as the dominant.

She can ask for more or less, or to stop altogether at any time.

She can ask for more or less, or to stop altogether at any time.

This, of course, is only true when the kinky play is between two consenting and communicating partners.

Here are some quick questions to ask yourself to determine if you’re really a dominant, sexually mature individual, or a prick with a power complex.

Do you want to be dominant because that trust from a submissive is a wonderful feeling of intimacy, like no other you’ve ever known?

Congrats, you sound like a respectful and caring kinkster.

Do you get frustrated, even angry, when you can’t control every desire and action of your partner?

Watch out buddy, you might be an asshole.

Do you think of yourself as vulnerable in your dominance, understanding the great deal of trust that you’re placing in your submissive by expressing yourself this way with them?
That’s great! It seems to me like you take your relationship with your sub seriously, they’re lucky to have you.

Do you practice new kinks such as spanking, choking, spitting, degrading, biting, etc. without first ensuring these are things your sub enjoys and wants in the moment?

Then you’re not a dominant, not kinky, not sexy, you’re just an asshole.

You are not entitled to any more pleasure than your partner(s) are comfortable helping you feel.

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