Don’t @ Me: I Want Artisanal Pot Brownies, Goddamnit!

Why Is Quebec So Square About Cannabis?

  • Graphic Breea Kobernick

On Oct. 17 2018, we witnessed history in the making.

Yeah, you know what I’m talking about: a U.S. president doubling down on calling an adult actress a “horseface” because she alleged they had a sexual relationship. I bet you never thought you’d live to see that day! –

The actress, Stormy Daniels, also described the Donald’s genitalia in great detail in her book Full Disclaimer, FYI. Have we ever had a recounting of a president’s package before?

Oh! I almost forgot. Oct. 17 was also the day Canada legalized cannabis. We were the second country to do so, or something like that.

I’m a little fuzzy on the details, mostly because legalizing cannabis changed so precious little in my life. Sure, the elderly ladies in the street stared somehow even more pointedly as they smelled my devil’s lettuce when they walked past me, convincing themselves our nation is going to shit because all the millenials want to do is smoke up all the time. But other than that, legalizing came and went like a birthday: highly anticipated, then mostly uneventful.

One aspect of legalization got me a little excited, and that was the idea of all these cool new weed-related products and paraphernalia we would see in the months-to-years after. The cannabis business is apparently a booming one, and legalizing should come with hoards of new ways to get high, so I thought.

Like, say, artisanal pot brownies? I was looking forward to the advent of Betty Chronic-esque shops offering an assortment of high-inducing goodies, catering services for your hottest 420 parties, maybe even some chic new restaurant chain run by a world renowned stoner chef found only in Montreal’s most gentrifying areas. Did I dream too big? Unfortunately, it would seem so.

While edibles aren’t legal to be bought or sold just yet, by the looks of it, they will be by the end of this year. But, just like with buds, it’ll be up to the provinces to decide how they’ll be distributed.

Quebec, the province of the Quiet Revolution, student strikes, and poutine, is somehow one of the most conservative when it comes to pot. I was confounded as to why that is, until I read that the provincial health minister Lucie Charlebois expressed concern about people owning their own pot plants because kids might eat the leaves and get high. Ignoring the fact that the leaves don’t contain any psychoactive properties, how many children even eat houseplants? I’d really want to know.

What this means when it comes to edibles is that the good old Société québécoise du cannabis will likely be the only place edibles will be readily available, and producers would have to strike up a deal with the provincial government to peddle their wares.

I picture a shelf of saran-wrapped brownies and muffins at the SQDC counter, like the treats at gas stations that are left to go stale. Not the most appealing image, that’s for sure. But basically, artisanal pot brownies aren’t coming to Quebec anytime soon, and neither are the 420 catering services and the hip restaurants of my dreams.

How do we convince the provincial government that growers and producers of pot products should also benefit from the economic boom that legalization can bring, and that we don’t want their stale-ass mass produced pot brownies? We want fresh, quality products, from producers whose hand I can shake as I buy their triple chocolate macadamia nut pot brownies!

Are we really going to miss out on great brownie squares, just because the government itself is square?

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