March 2, 2010 Special Issue

The baby and the breadwinner

Stay-at-home dads band together, form a community

by Joel balsam

GRAPHIC KATIE BRIOUX

Joking together and shooting the shit, 50 men of varying economic, religious and political backgrounds gathered for a weekend last October to pound back brews and talk sports... and family.

These men came together for the annual At-Home Dad’s Convention, a jam-packed weekend in Omaha, Neb., that has been gaining steam for the last 14 years.

Vancouver resident and freelance documentary filmmaker Cameron Phillips attended last year’s convention. He, like many others since the economic recession, became an at-home dad when he lost his job.

“My first thought was that I’m a failure, and I’m letting down my family,” said Phillips. “Society sees moms as [being] the best nurturers and dads as the ones who bring home the bacon, but there’s more to life than just bringing home the paycheck.”

Phillips explained some of the struggles men face when raising their kids during the day while their wives are working, most of which have to do with social stigmas. The media often portrays fathers in a bad light, he said. From Homer Simpson to Mr. Mom, fathers usually get a bad rep (even Montreal songwriter Jon Lajoie makes fun of stay-at-home dads).

The dads at the conference discussed how attitudes towards fathering men need to change for gender equality to progress. Some men said they had been accused of making a pass at female parents when they were just trying to start a conversation. Other men said they fear touching someone else’s child since they’re worried of being labelled a sexual predator.
Philip Andrew, homme-maker extraordinaire and co-coordinator of the At-Home Dad’s Convention, said that the myriad issues of masculinity and fatherhood attract men from all over Canada and the United States to the event.

In Nebraska, Andrew explained, nearly every church has a group for mom’s but there are none for the fathers, leaving men marginalized.

“The one thing we can do to combat this is having things like the convention where guys know they are part of a community,” he said.

Creating a positive community of at-home dads with “guy field trips” and going to the bar together is a part of the convention, but, more importantly, the weekend focuses on seminars and workshops dealing with topics ranging from attention deficit hyperactive disorder in children to the stresses and stigmas of being a stay-at-home dad. They’ve even managed to include a workshop for “quick and easy hairstyling,” which is as practical as it sounds: learning how to do your daughter’s hair.

“If your wife leaves for work and you have a daughter or two daughters [there’s potential for trouble],” said Andrew. “How many men know how to braid hair?”

While the convention has been a success, Andrew said he hopes more support groups for at-home dads will pop up around the world.

“We try to give guys resources to start a group,” he said.

Andrew plans to branch out into Canada, where the number of fathers who stay at home with their children has grown considerably since the second wave of the women’s movement. According to Statistics Canada, 10 per cent of families in 2008 had a stay-at home father, up from one per cent in 1976.

Phillips, inspired to take part in the pro-poppa parenting process, is starting a business from home called Bettermen Solutions to provide resources and knowledge for fathers who want to start an at-home dad community across Canada.

“What I hear most from at-home dads is how much they love what they are doing,” said Phillips. “They come to realize the lovely day-to-day moments they have with their children that you don’t get back [once they’re older]. I can remember the first time [my three-year-old son] told me he loved me or when he put his little arms around my neck and gave me a big kiss.”

Phillips also considers at-home dads “the other half of the feminist movement.”
“If a woman wants to have a family but wants to smash through the glass ceiling, she needs a partner at home with the kids if they want to have a parent at home,” he said. “They are sort of hand-in-hand.”

But a stay-at-home dad dynamic isn’t just good for the working mom, the dads agreed.
“It can’t help but open your heart to be around children all day long,” said Phillips. “Being an involved dad is good for your kids, but it’s also good for dad.”

For more info about support for at-home dads, check out athomedadconvention.com Next year’s At-Home Dad’s Convention will take place on Oct. 2.