This Year’s Quidditch Draft Flooded By Athletes
Love of the Game in Question after Mass Exodus From NFL
This is disappointing. Usually I’m between third and eighth selected. And what, we’re already a dozen deep? This seems unfair. I don’t see why we should bend the rules just because they lost their jobs. I hate to get so passive aggressive about it but this is like, my thing…
It’s a really different crowd now. I mean, there’s basically never been a black dude here before. Shit is that racist? Why do I even notice stuff like that? You can’t make assumptions about people – life is a rich tapestry of personalities and unique perspectives. So if these fifty-six professional football players want to join the Fullerton Community Quidditch League, let ‘em!
The only assumption I should be making is that these guys are as crazy for the game as I am. No greater thrill than that final grasp for the snitch! The terror of a beater bearing down on you! Charging up the pitch to stuff a quaffle past the keeper Chad that asshole that doesn’t even take this seriously.
Come on, look at these guys, have they even read Quidditch Through the Ages?
RELAX with the bad attitude. Have an open heart. If they don’t have all the rules down yet, that’s fine, we can walk through every side of the instruction pamphlet before practice on Saturday morning. The dissolution of the NFL didn’t just change their livelihood, it changed their lives altogether.
For the better, I hope, but they’re going to need time to adjust. Statistically, 72% of these guys left the league with brain damage. Don’t judge them. Help them! Patience is key! Have fun with it!
This is a lot of people…I guess we’ll need to make more teams. I don’t think the standard four will cut it if everybody’s gonna play. Maybe eight? Ten? Either way, we shouldn’t have to break with the canon to choose. But then will we even have enough slots booked at this playfield? Look at Reggie up there, he’s losing it!
It’s hard to place blame, though. My year as commissioner was a disaster. It’s a lot of pressure! Booking the playfield, updating the shared Google calendar schedule, initiating the phone chain on rain days, cleaning up trash after the games – no thanks.
There usually is not so much media here. WZXP-73 did a story one season. But NBC and ESPN and CNN, that’s new. It seems excessive, honestly. On the other hand, seven of these guys are Heisman winners.
But then again, Brittany always talks about how she played hockey in college and was even almost the first female player to make Hampshire Tech’s NCAA football squad.
And on the flip side, that’s Lamario Dello, who won four Super Bowls in six years. There’s Felton Braye, who threw 300 touchdowns in nine seasons.
Masonn Zinck once sacked a quarterback so hard he was charged with attempted manslaughter. He looks pretty good in a suit, too. Slimmer than you’d expect. Jesus, and I am here in cargo shorts? What the hell, Phil. Have some goddamn self-respect. Actualize your potential.
Reggie vomited. He should’ve moved off the field at least. That’s really a shame. Roger Goodell never vomited. The guy lived for the draft! It’s supposed to be a triumphant early highpoint in the season. Now Margery is puking, too. There are a lot of weak stomachs out here, but not me.
Not this guy. I’ve made it known, I want seeker this year and I would crush the competition. I’m spry, I’m wary; I can make the big plays happen. I’ve been training all week. These A’donis Cooper Shock-Tempered® Reebok P.R.O.s were a great investment. A’donis is wearing them, too!
Maybe we’ll be picked for the same team. That’d be a thrill. “Watch out for that bludger! Nice sneakers, by the way.” Hell yes.
Reebok’s still paying him, I heard. I wonder how much…probably more in a month than I’d make in two years at Preston. That’s fine, though. It’s to be expected: professional football is everything that digital ad copywriting and proofreading isn’t.
Not that we don’t have our own trophies and thrilling, glamorous moments, we’re just a little more behind-the-scenes. It does get tiring, emotionally, to never get public credit for a big success.
“That was my campaign!” I want to shout when I see someone at the library cruise right past the banner ad for wireless headphones I spent five weeks perfecting. That’s not what the business is about, I know, but I’m starting to wonder if maybe that’s who I am. I want the glory.
I should view this as a testing ground. Maybe my own Under Armour or Old Spice sponsorship is just around the corner. Meet the quidditch superstar who bested Dello on a Cup-winning rush for the snitch! “I was moving fast as lightning thanks to Dove’s new hyper-exfoliating formula!”
Maybe this isn’t such a bad situation for me after all. Who cares about being picked late? Hell, Bridget was the third-to-last player drafted in 2013, and she ended up the highest-scoring chaser of the season!
This is like a painter getting a scholarship to study with Da Vinci. A lot of people are livid about the NFL’s collapse but – and I hate to say it, I’m as big a fan as anyone – I’m honestly grateful that the violent and debilitating nature of players’ injuries finally forced it. I have so much to learn!
