PQ Obliterated in Tactical Anglo-Nuclear Strike

Out-of-Province Student Responsible for Attack Unaware of Own Strength

  • Graphic by Graham Tallen Apple

In what is being called one of the largest political coups of all time, the Parti Québécois has officially been brought to its knees and dismantled by a crusading out-of-province anglophone student.

Lucas Webster, a 19-year-old communications student at Concordia from Saskatoon, registered to vote in the provincial election last Friday in Montreal. The student allegedly slipped through the in-place francophone firewalls that should have halted his siege on the system, an act only a highly trained agent of anglo assault could have achieved.

When Webster registered, a loud klaxon alarm sounded at the PQ’s head offices in Quebec City, and soon utter chaos ensued. Along with all the PQ members collectively forgetting how to speak French in a nightmarish Tower of Babel scenario, the entire province of Quebec was also swallowed into the gaping maw of Ontario, a seismic and cultural shift unprecedented in Canada.

“I really didn’t mean for this to happen […] I hadn’t even heard of the PQ until I moved here for school,” Webster confided to The Link in a rare interview.

“I didn’t know my speaking English and registering to vote would be so cataclysmically destructive, but hey, what are you gonna do?”

While Webster denied knowledge of the utter ruin of the PQ’s regime with his brazen francophobic act, PQ Premier Polly Maurice had a different opinion on the subject.

“What this boy did is unacceptable […] what’s next, allowing Americans to vote? Unlikely!” she reportedly said from under her desk into a personal recorder recovered later from the scene.

“The buck [of tolerance] stops here,” she continued.

Webster, however, insists he meant no ill will and was simply trying to exercise his voting rights in the province he now calls home.

“When I registered, I truly had no idea that I would be stealing all the French speakers’ votes and sowing such chaos,” Webster said.

“People are calling me an evil genius or a deep-cover spy, but I’m really just a regular guy.”

Maurice said the trouble started ever since she got wind of crooked English-Canadian students attempting to legally vote in what she called “my precious province.”

An opinions piece published in The Link last week clarified that out-of-province students aren’t trying to defraud anyone by registering to vote in Quebec. Maurice was later seen at a press conference holding a copy of the paper on fire and a “Wanted” poster with editor-in-chief Colton Morris’ mugshot on it, offering one million Quebec-Coin for more information on the blasphemers and “French-censoring wannabes.”

“These traitors dare vote in my province?” Maurice shouted at the reporters.

Webster said he had not seen _The Link_’s piece on the issue before registering and ultimately striking the fatal blow to the PQ.

At press time, the last statement recorded by Maurice before she vanished into a space-time rip where the PQ never existed was “I told you soooooo,” trailing off into oblivion.

NOTE: This is spoof content. All characters and events in this article—even those based on real people—are entirely fictional.

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