Premier Morris Announces French Language Is Secure

OQLF to Turn Attention to Protecting English

  • Graphic Paku Daoust-Cloutier

Quebec Premier Polly Morris announced on Monday at a Westmount ice cream shop that the French language is thriving in the province.

“The French language is secure,” she said, standing in front of a large banner reading “Mission Accomplished” and emblazoned with the Quebec flag.

“We do not know the day of final victory, but we have seen the turning of the tide,” she added, parroting the words of former U.S. President George W. Bush, whom she admitted she “admired.”

Morris entered the ice cream store and tried to order two scoops of the rum and raisin flavour, but the owner—a unilingual anglophone—couldn’t understand what she was saying.

“I never hear French accents around here,” said Margaret O’Brien, whose store Delicious Ice Creamz sells 50 varieties of the cold treat. “Her accent was so thick that I had to ask her to repeat herself in an English accent.”

Morris also tried to pay for the $3.00 ice cream cup with a corporate credit card embossed with the company name Giovanni Construction Ltd., but the cashier said the store only accepted cash.

In a press release, Morris denied accusations that she had taken a bribe from the construction company, which was recently awarded a $3-billion contract to build a new subway line to Montreal’s West Island suburbs.

Given that the Parti Québécois government now believes the French language is no longer under threat in predominantly English-speaking North America, the question now arises as to what to do with the Office québécois de la langue française.

The OQLF is the government organization tasked with enforcing the province’s language laws.

Morris said the OQLF would not be shut down, mainly because it was part of her Economic Action Plan. She said the job losses that would result from closing the agency would slow economic growth.

Jacques-Francis Lassé, the minister responsible for anglophone relations, suggested that the OQLF now be tasked with the protection of English instead of French.

“You know, with all the text messaging that anglophone children are doing these days, the quality of the English language is suffering,” he said. “What is this ‘LMAO’ and ‘LOL’? Queen Elizabeth would never approve of such distortions to Shakespeare’s language.”

Prime Minister Stefan Herper welcomed the news that the English language will now be protected.

“I never understand what my children are saying anymore,” he said. “And the music they listen to! All of these pop singers’ lyrics should follow proper grammar rules.”

He also congratulated Morris and the PQ government for succeeding in unilaterally saving the language of Molière.

“Now there are people in Alberta speaking French,” he said. “It’s really wonderful. I might have to learn the French words for cowboy boots and cowboy hats, because the next time I go to a store ahead of the Stampede, I might have to speak French to the store clerk.”

Lassé credited the Liberal government of former Premier (wait, what’s his name again?) with most of the legwork.

“By introducing intensive English classes in the sixth grade, they showed young francophone children just how beautiful their language really is,” he said, implying that English isn’t as eloquent. “Now they only want to speak French, whether they’re out in public or at home.”

The nationalist Société Saint-Jean-Baptiste said it would award its annual Patriot Award to the former Premier this year.

“We thought we might give it to the mayor of Westmount for his work in advocating for Quebec’s interests, but we decided that it was more important to honour another great man who saved the French language,” the organization wrote in a press release.

“Vive le Québec libre.”

NOTE: This is spoof content. All characters and events in this article—even those based on real people—are entirely fictional.

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