Pruyt Rejects Student Criticism of New Rector Lolwy
‘He’s Been Dead the Whole Time’
DISCLAIMER: All of this content is false. None of it is real. It’s meant to amuse and have a good laugh on what was an overly serious year at this university. If you get mad or for one fleeting moment think that any of this is real, please put this newspaper down and walk away. Seriously. Thank you.
Responding to stunning allegations raised in a leaked document provided to The Link, Concordia Board of Governors chairman Sam Pruyt confirmed that embattled university rector Dederick Lolwy has actually been dead for almost eight years.
“He’s officially been all corpsified for, like, a decade,” said Pruyt. “Just so we’re clear, that’s not a metaphor or anything. He shuffled off this mortal coil some time ago. He’s run down the curtain and gone to join the choir invisible. If we hadn’t pumped him full of fluoride and nailed him to his chair, he’d be pushing up daisies. He’s an ex-rector.”
The leaked document, which largely consisted of detailed notes on the 1989 film Weekend at Bernie’s, also contained excerpts from a coroner’s report that suggested the rector had died in late 2003, about two years before the end of his first term as rector and vice-chancellor of Concordia.
“The truth had to come out sometime,” said Concordia spokesperson Nelly Flota. “I thought we did a pretty good job covering it up, but, at the end of the day, the dude’s still dead. Can’t hide that forever,” she said.
“After [former Concordia president] Judy retired—or was kicked out or whatever, no one really tells me anything—we kinda panicked,” admitted Flota. “But then we realized that, after all the flak Judy took, this was actually a pretty great opportunity. I mean, who’s gonna go after a dead guy? Apparently students, we figured that out pretty quick. You guys suck,” she added. “I may have said too much.”
“The scary thing is—nobody outside admin knows this—but we’ve actually been keeping him running off these old mercury batteries,” revealed Flota. “They haven’t been made since like 1926, and I’m not sure what we’re gonna do when we run out,” she said. “I think I maybe found some on eBay, so, fingers crossed, I guess.”
Still, Pruyt said, the university has no plans to replace the decomposing president. “He’s actually doing an okay job. He doesn’t claim that many expenses, he doesn’t eat much, his car budget is cheap—just a couple days renting a hearse, but that’s it—and he doesn’t bother the auditors. So far we’re all good,” he explained.
“Plus, I think his experience uniting the warring city-states of medieval Italy might help the university with this whole GazaU image we’ve got.
“And hey, it’s not all bad,” Pruyt said, managing a hopeful smile. “We’re gonna sell the rights to the story as the sequel to Weekend at Bernie’s 2, so that should help recover some of the money we spent on Judy’s medical bills after that parachute accident.”
– riley “your mom” sparkers
This article originally appeared in The Link Volume 31, Issue 28, published March 29, 2011.