BLUE BALLS

Bachand ‘Just Not Feeling It’ as He Puts Tuition on Hold

Following the massive success of this year’s Wintry Hot Accessible Love-In for Education, or WHALE, the Concordia Student Union announced this week that it is planning two bigger protests for next year.

“The WHALE was such a great event, so we figured, what the hell, let’s do it again,” said CSU President Heather Lucas. “So we’re proud to announce the Balanced Love-in for University Education, Bringing Academic Loans and Lower School-costs.

“Concordia is going to get a pair of BLUEBALLS.”

The BLUEBALLS are a response to what Lucas called unreasonable delays by the provincial government in negotiating freezes on tuition.

“Here we were, ready for our third sit down with the province and as you know, the third meeting is traditionally the one where you seal the deal,” she said. “We were all dressed up and at the end of the meeting, trust me, we were very excited. We could hardly contain ourselves. And then the provincial government had to ruin it by saying they ‘Weren’t ready for a commitment yet.’ We were so mad, I can’t even describe the ache we still felt the next day.”

She added, “Trust me, we don’t enjoy getting all hot and bothered like this. We knew the fight would be long and hard, but we didn’t realize it would stay long and hard for so long.”

She then muttered something under her breath that sounded something like “fucking teases,” though she declined to repeat herself.

When reached for comment, a representative for the government said “I think the students went in with high expectations. We’re not that easy. Actually, we’re kind of insulted they thought we would give it up so quickly.”

Lucas is still optimistic that the deed will get done soon, unless the federal government comes to the province’s defence with its dreaded response: Coerce and Organize Concordia to Knockoff Biased Lefties and Obstruct Civic Knitting.

“We’re going to go back in there, and try to sweet talk our way in,” she said. “However, if Operation COCKBLOCK is put in place, it could be months yet before the release of all this tension.”

This article originally appeared in The Link Volume 31, Issue 28, published March 29, 2011.

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