It’s All Your Fault:  Cinema Politica

‘JUST STOP BREATHING’

DISCLAIMER: All of this content is false. None of it is real. It’s meant to amuse and have a good laugh on what was an overly serious year at this university. If you get mad or for one fleeting moment think that any of this is real, please put this newspaper down and walk away. Seriously. Thank you.

“Every time you orgasm, a dolphin dies,” said James Cameron about his new film, Humanoid: AIDS of the Earth at its world premiere screening in the Hall building in collaboration with Cinema Politica.

This controversial film explores human influence over the Earth’s environment. If you think that human consumption and lifestyle habits are the only things that are threatening the planet, think again.

“Every single action you make is killing the planet,” says Cameron in the film. “Every time you take a breath, a bee drops dead.”

Today, escalating human populations have vastly exceeded global carrying capacity and produce unmanagable quantities of solid, liquid, and gaseous waste. The Earth is being threatened by over-exploitation, toxic pollution, invasive species, habitat destruction, urban sprawl, oceanic acidification, ozone depletion, global warming, climate change and so on and so forth.

“This is strangely absent from the world’s media. No one wants to hear about it. It’s depressing. We would rather collectively deny ecological realities,” Cameron said.

When asked about what sort of actions one should take to reverse this escalating problem, Cameron quickly shot down the question.

“The truth is that the entire planet is sick with a humanoid virus. It’s not rocket science, look at an image of the Earth on Google maps. The virus is spreading,” he said. “Fast.”

And there’s no stopping it, according to Cameron. “I recommend you upload all your conscious data to a floppy disk or USB key and hope for the best.”

There was an overwhelming sense of discomfort in the audience. “I usually feel pretty depressed after watching Cinema Politica films, but this is something else,” said one crowd-goer, breaking back tears. “My world has been destroyed.”–ashley obscura

This article originally appeared in The Link Volume 31, Issue 28, published March 29, 2011.

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