Confess To Your iPhone

‘$1.99 Is a Small Price to Pay for Redemption’

  • Graphic Dominique Côté

Are you leading an overwhelmingly busy yet deliciously sinful lifestyle? Can’t find a moment of respite to get yourself into a confessional booth between your Greek Yoga parties and bimonthly trips to the abortion clinic?

“Confession: A Roman Catholic App” is a recently launched Apple iPhone application that brings the once time-consuming act of absolution directly to your fingertips.

Created by American software development company Little iApps, the app leads users through “a personalized examination of conscience” and offers “password-protected profiles and a step-by-step guide to the sacrament.”

The best part is that developers received an imprimatur—a formal, Catholic Church “OK”— from Indiana Bishop Kevin C. Rhodes. But the Vatican is cautioning users that while the app might be a good tool to prepare for confession, it is no substitute for personally interacting with a real, validly ordained priest in a confessional.

If believers want to confess to their iPhone or iPad, then why the hell not? This is not the first time Catholics have attempted to find their place within the world of technology: websites such as catholic.org and catholicmatch have brought devotees together for over five years. Plus, $1.99 is a small price to pay for redemption.

Sure, talking about your sins to a lifeless computer, instead of a religious automaton might trivialize the whole deal, but is that really wrong? It’s about time the church admits that it’s living in the past and packs its bags for a trip to the future.
Of course, leave it to the activists to rain on the Catholic Pride Parade once again. LGBT rights activist group Truth Wins Out claims that the app is promoting “anti-gay spiritual abuse.”

How ungrateful. It’s not about spiritual abuse; it’s about salvation. Besides, the app’s developers weren’t the ones to declare sodomy was wrong, so go take it up with the Pope–who knows, maybe he’ll let it slide.

And to whom are priests supposed to confess anyway? Well, with this brilliant blend of technology and theology, the clergy too can be absolved of their transgressions while simultaneously getting away with them, scot-free.

Everyone knows the priests of confession have brain links with the bishops and archbishops all the way up to il Papa, and then up to Ol’ Gee Whiz himself. But I’d wager that the Creator of the Universe is chill with Steve Jobs, so it’s probably in everyone’s best interests to cut out the middlemen and just text God to say, “my bad, bro.”

He’ll probably even forgive you for worshiping the false idol of the Apple Corporation—if you ask politely and include some cute emoticons.

This article originally appeared in The Link Volume 31, Issue 23, published February 15, 2011.

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